AVOIDANCE 

Lately, the word “avoidance” has been popping into my life to the point that I can no longer afford to avoid addressing avoidance.

It all started when my friend recommended a podcast interview with Dr. Luana Marques by Mel Robbins. This is what Dr. Marques said which resonates with me a lot, “Avoidance is what we do… if we walk away from things that are meaningful, then we are robbing ourselves of the best lives.” Avoidance is like a “mental jail” that we put ourselves in.[i]

From a mental health perspective, we know that avoidance is a common safety behavior and coping mechanism for people with anxiety. Furthermore, we understand that frequent avoidance can increase anxiety levels and have a negative impact on people’s ability to function in their daily lives. [ii]

Dr. Marques provides an example: when a person experiences panic attacks related to going to work or while at work, their brain may suggest that work is causing the panic attacks, leading them to stay home. This response seems logical. However, in reality, the person is conditioning their brain to associate work with panic attacks. In other words, they are allowing anxiety to become larger than themselves.

In the past, some of the educational institutions where I have spoken criticized certain aspects of my content as being too triggering for students. I fully understand and support the intention of safeguarding students’ well-being, especially those from marginalized backgrounds. That said, individuals who have attended my workshops in the past can attest that my mental health and DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) content is relatively straightforward and mild. If students find my training too challenging, I wonder how they will respond and adapt to the higher-stress environments they may encounter in their future workplaces, or to life in general. I’m not suggesting that we should neglect students’ well-being. Instead, we should find a balance between encouraging and providing opportunities for students to develop the strength and courage to engage in uncomfortable conversations about important issues, versus excessively shielding them and encouraging avoidance of anything that makes them uncomfortable.

The more I reflect on avoidance, the more I see it everywhere in my life and in the lives of others. Avoidance is highly prevalent because it’s incredibly easy for us to choose the path of opting out and not trying. We engage in it frequently, often rationalizing our decisions or giving in to our emotional fears and anxieties. Ultimately, it boils down to our instinctual fight or flight response. *

Avoidance manifests in two common forms. The first form involves denying or shying away from certain tasks, actions, goals, conversations, relationships, and more. This typically happens because we are either scared of them or oblivious to their importance. For example, we often tell ourselves, “I can’t..,” “I won’t be able to..,” “I wish I could..,” “I could only do that if I had the time or money..,” “What’s the point..,” “I will do it if/when I get a raise,” and many other self-deceptive sayings.

The other form of avoidance can be described as “escaping.” This involves retreating into our comfort zones and pretending that everything is okay. A friend of mine, Ivana, provides a compelling example. She has observed that some of her friends are deeply involved in yoga and meditation, spending hours on these activities. While these pursuits are healthier than certain unhealthy habits like excessive drinking, Ivana has noticed that some of her friends are using yoga and meditation as a means to escape from confronting the real challenges and issues in their lives and relationships.

So, how can we identify the things that we are avoiding, reframe them, and overcome avoidance? The first step is to recognize them. So, I’ve listed the top four things that I have been avoiding in my life.

1. My Business: Rationally, I know what I need to do to scale up and achieve my next level of professional goals and dreams. However, due to fear and uncertainty, I’ve avoided seizing any chance or opportunity. Instead, I escape into my comfort zone by pacifying my ambition. I’ve been consciously and unconsciously telling myself that my work is impactful enough, and I have a good enough lifestyle, so I don’t need any advancement. These are truths in their own right, but in doing so, I’ve stifled my creativity and handcuffed my passion.
2. Therapy: Since my therapist of nine years, Dr. Strober, passed away, I’ve been avoiding seeking out a new therapist. I justify it by telling myself that I’m “too busy,” “okay enough,” and that I’m “uncertain if any therapist can replace Dr. Strober.”
3. Relationship: I’ve refrained from dating for many years, using excuses such as “I’m too busy building my business,” “I have trust issues,” “I don’t have time,” and “It’s too much work to meet new people nowadays.”
4. Dancing: I’ve always wanted to become better at dancing, but due to shame and body-image issues, I’ve been afraid of dancing, even when alone.        

Because of my avoidance of these four things, I am walking away from having a more meaningful career and robbing myself of the best life that I might have.

The most effective way to conquer avoidance is by reframing our fears and anxieties. The technique for this involves understanding the underlying reasons and causes behind both rational and irrational emotional reactions. I’m grateful for the nine years of therapy I had with Dr. Strober; it has made it somewhat easier for me to “psychoanalyze” myself and trace the root causes of my fears and anxiety.

Once I confront my fears and anxiety directly, I gain the strength to bring them to the forefront of my consciousness and to “label” them. By giving them a name, my fears and anxieties still exist in my mind and body rent-free, but they no longer have the same power to frighten me.

So for now, I have already scheduled my very first therapy session with a new psychologist in September. I’ve started telling my friends that I am ready to start dating again. I’ve reengaged with a couple of business partnership opportunities that I believe can help me to reach the next professional level.  

Final thought: We can either be right and allow our avoidance to dictate our decisions or we can strive to live the most fulfilling life.

*The avoidance that I am referring to in this blog speaks to things that people typically want or are interested in, not extreme cases.

[i] Dr. Luana Marques by Mel Robbins

[ii] Healthline

Photo by vonvix on Unsplash

“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more ‘manhood’ to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.”

 – Alex Karras

A few years ago, I wrote an article about “My Asian Male Rage.” Since then, I have presented and facilitated about a dozen workshops and conversations about men and mental health. Here are some of my updated thoughts. *  

It seems like in our society it’s acceptable to make various subtle physical, sexist, and discriminatory comments toward men without much consideration. Some of the obvious examples are making fun of men who are short, bald, not hairy enough or too hairy, or not able to grow facial hair.

Unfortunately, the emotional and psychological impacts of these negative comments are often not addressed or acknowledged. The general excuse and expectation is that men are supposed to just “man-up” and act stoic and strong when being made fun of.

Alternatively, due to the perception that men are void of emotions and feelings, it’s considered allowable to put them down. Here are some of the problems that arise with these rationales.

First, whether we like it or not, men are just as emotional as anyone else. Due to centuries of social contract and conditioning, men are groomed not to tap into their feelings and express themselves. Fast forward to our modern-day expectation that men need to be more sensitive and in tune with their partner’s emotional needs, and the world in general. If we don’t acknowledge that men can get hurt from these negative and superficial comments, then how can we expect men to feel comfortable and safe to express themselves?

Second, one of the most common mental health stigmas is the false belief that a person can simply “get over it” or “calm down.” While society continues to expect men to just “man-up” while being victimized by subtle acts of discrimination, how can we encourage men to overcome the mental health stigma of “getting over it?”

Socialized Ideals of Masculinity in the Modern Era

Again, whether we want to admit it or not, gender inequality is still running rampant in our culture and society. Oftentimes, this inequality results from continual individual and societal beliefs and expectations. Some of the common presuppositions and traits that men have about themselves is that they need to be tough, action-oriented, decisive, stoic, self-sufficient, tall and strong, breadwinner, and to have a “hunter” mentality.

Overall, except for the tall and strong traits that are based on individual genetics, there is nothing really inherently wrong with these presuppositions. That being said, when men and society only emphasize mastering these traits without encouraging personal and emotional growth and humility, the problem of toxic masculinity arises. Below are some examples:

• It is totally okay to be tough, but men aren’t allowed to develop emotional sensitivity.
• Being action-oriented is good, but it can lead to over-confidence.
• Being decisive is a strength, but it can also lead to stubbornness.
• Being stoic is valuable for building character, especially during crisis situations, but it can also easily result in excessive substance usage.
• Being self-sufficient is ideal for survival and financial planning, but it can also lead to a fear of being seen as weak and vulnerable if they lose their job.
• Many men love to provide and care for others as breadwinners, but when men go through hard times and can’t be the breadwinners, they often experience shame and embarrassment, thinking they are not manly enough.
• In dating, it’s normal that men have the “hunter” mindset in pursuing the opposite sex. However, this pursuit mentality can lead to aggression, and in some cases, even violence such as sexual assault or abuse.
• Men may associate heterosexism as the norm, leading to homophobic attitudes.

Balancing Act

So, how can men expand and grow their masculine traits in positive directions? Here are my recommendations:

• Toughness means the ability to express oneself and encourage other men to express their emotions and feelings freely.
• While being action-oriented, include other people that you trust in the process.
• Be decisive and assertive, and avoid being cocky or stubborn.
• There is a time for stoicism, but remember that there is also a need for compassion and kindness toward oneself and others.
• Self-sufficient is good for yourself, but remember to check in with your male friends and loved ones to see what they need.
• If you are tall and strong, remember to practice humility.
• It’s awesome that you can be the breadwinner for your family. Just remember to celebrate the financial success of the opposite gender as well.
• If you are single and looking to mingle, nurture your “hunter” mindset with respect for the folks you are attracted to. If you are in a relationship, learn to express your feelings, emotions, vulnerability, and (maybe) your aggressions verbally or through various means, such as hobbies.
• Learn to be secure with your gender identity and sexual orientation, understanding that heterosexism is one of many ways people live.

Feminine and Masculine Energy/Traits

The last thing I want to emphasize is that no matter how manly you are, you have feminine traits in you, and vice versa. All men have some form or level of feminine traits, and all women have some form and level of masculine energy. I think the sooner we can all accept this, the better the world will be.

Men having feminine traits doesn’t make you weak or “girly.” It’s natural. An example I like to use is even Dwayne Johnson (the Rock), the manliest man ever, who lets his daughter put “makeup” on his face and sits on a little pink chair to drink tea with her. 

*This blog is about general individuals who identify as heterosexual and male.

Photo from Mental Health Association of East Tennessee website.

“I remember my grandfather telling me how each of us must live with a full measure of loneliness that is inescapable, and we must not destroy ourselves with our passion to escape the aloneness.”

​— Jim Harrison

For the past several years, I have been fortunate enough to travel abroad during the last week of June and the first week of July. One of the reasons I prefer to travel during this time of year is that I no longer enjoy the 4th of July celebration. Don’t get me wrong, I love the U.S. and I am proud to be a citizen. That being said, I often joke that “I love America, but I can’t stand ‘Merica anymore.”

This year, because of two important work-related contracts, I couldn’t take the trip. The deadlines for both contracts fell in the first week of July and I thought I had to work over the July 4th weekend. However, I was quite productive and I completed all the deliverables for both contracts weeks ahead of schedule.

That should have been great news, something to be proud and happy about. But when I realized that my other major projects wouldn’t start until August and I had no plans for the next three weeks, I started getting stressed out, experiencing a low-key panic attack. A friend made fun of me, saying that I am a victim of my efficiency.

For the past four months, I have immersed myself in a fast-paced work mode. Suddenly, I found myself sitting at home, bored out of my mind. Being bored wasn’t all that bad, but the worst part was that I couldn’t unwind and relax. My brain and emotional state were stuck in work mode, and I couldn’t escape from it. How bad did it get? I started cleaning and reorganizing my place for no apparent reason (I’m not a messy person, but I hate doing housework).

Looking back, I noticed this wasn’t the first time I’d become stuck in limbo with this dilemma, and since I had the time and was bored out of my wits, I decided to dissect this psychological and mental health pattern of mine. Like many emotional and mental health challenges, there were different levels and components.

First and foremost, like many men and business owners, my identity is associated and wrapped around my work and profession. My identity as an educator and professional speaker often supersedes my Asian/Taiwanese American identity. Almost everything in my current life is built around my work. I work whenever I can and whenever I am bored. The underlying fear is that if I don’t have my work, then who am I?

Another level of my work identity is the need to “hunt” and be productive. Maybe due to the millennium of evolution and as a byproduct of being a male, I always feel compelled to pursue the next project and beat the next task. This process rejuvenates my life, gives me a thrill, keeps me psychologically and emotionally occupied, and provides some form of meaning and purpose to my life despite the many challenges and uncertainties that come with it.

The second cause is my good old buddy, Anxiety. I have written about this before in my blog post called “Is This How I Want to Live, Anxiety?” The combination of expectations and pressure from the “hustle culture” and always overworking, and an immigrant survivalist mindset that I have to work harder, be productive and prove myself, to build up my safety net, can be mentally and emotionally challenging when I try to take a break. Even when I know I need to take a breather, my anxiety often prohibits me from slowing down.

The third cause is regret. My mind keeps telling me that I should have booked that flight to Scotland or Amsterdam and now I am “stuck” here. YOLO, so I should NOT have played it safe. A lot of “should haves” flying around in my head.

The last challenge is unwinding, which can result in the inability to shift gears and adapt. According to a study by Scott Schieman of the University of Toronto in the Harvard Business Review, 50% of people bring their work home with them. This means that many people have a hard time unwinding from work on a daily basis. Another example I’ve observed is that many people either bring their work laptop/phone on their vacation or plan to do some work while on vacation. Based on my friends’ experiences and my own, once we arrive at our vacation destination, on average it takes about two to three days to fully decouple from work. In all the trips I have taken, I have found myself still answering emails on the day of travel and during the first two days of vacation.

This shows that it can be extremely challenging for people to shift gears mentally and emotionally. The main reason is that it’s hard to let go of things. Old habits die hard. Most people are creatures of habit and routines. Whether it’s work, or something we love or hate doing, once we start doing them repeatedly, we get used to them and find some “comfort” in them. Breaking away means letting go of something familiar and embracing something foreign. And this can be uncomfortable and scary, even if it’s something like a vacation or engaging in new activities that are good for your health and mental well-being.

Solutions

With a better understanding of my challenges, I started working on healing myself and transforming some of these challenges.

First, I love my job and I am proud of my work and professional identity. At the same time, I really need to put more effort into decoupling my identity from my profession, or at least setting some boundaries. At this moment, I don’t know exactly how I can do this yet. Two decades of living in survival mode have caused me to neglect my hobbies. Maybe it’s time for me to rediscover my hobbies and find other interests that I can pursue.

Second, to tackle my anxiety, I have to practice what I preach. In my blog post “Is This How I Want to Live, Anxiety?” I outlined six steps to “chill the fuck out” and calm my anxiety:

1. Observe my anxiety and build a deeper awareness of it.
2. Reflect and try to understand the causes of my anxiety. Instead of being ashamed, fearful, and hating my anxiety, I learn to appreciate it because it is one of my survival skills and has been keeping me alive.
3. Slowly learn to be comfortable with my fear and anxiety, even though it can be unpleasant.
4. Acknowledge and recognize that my anxiety is and will always be here.
5. Build the capacity to coexist with my anxiety, so I will be able to gradually manage it by replacing or transforming it with other more positive emotions and feelings.
6. Repeat steps 1 to 5 over and over again.

I noticed that the best time to practice these six steps is when I’m out hiking or going on a long walk. During these hikes and walks, I intentionally don’t listen to any music or podcasts. I simply try to be one with myself. Yes, it can be challenging and lonely. But once I become comfortable with myself, I feel incredible and free.

Third, to deal with my regrets, I need to remind myself to stop comparing Scotland and Colorado. We know that too much comparison can lead to low self-esteem, which results in frustration with oneself for not being good enough.

Along these lines, my friend Ivana Polonijo encouraged me to ask myself these questions: “Why am I beating myself up?” and “What is the purpose of beating myself up?” Upon reflecting on these questions, I realized that I have been putting unnecessary pressure on myself. So, I’ve decided to let go of this comparison mentality by reframing the narrative in my head.

I tell myself that while Scotland sounds amazing, Colorado is beautiful during the summertime, too. Even though I have done a lot of adventuring in Colorado, such as hiking many different mountains and visiting mountain towns, there are still many other new things I haven’t tried yet. I need to stop making excuses in my head, such as whether it’s too crowded, too much work, and whether it will be worth my time. Instead, I need to tap into my curiosity again and wonder about the new possibilities and opportunities that I can experience.

Lastly, I remembered a conversation I had with my friend Joe Towne a couple of years ago about unwinding. Joe is a professional actor who has been on TV shows and movies. We talked about the amazing rush of performing on the stage or in front of a camera, and the emotional crash that follows when the show ends, especially if you’re driving home alone. Joe told me that it has taken him many years of intentional practice to learn to cope with the downward spiral and to prevent himself from going from a high-high to a low-low.

Just like any healthy behavior, we need to learn to unwind and relax. For certain people, and speaking for myself, due to past trauma, it can be challenging to lighten up. Thus, the ability to completely chill out does not come naturally. Again, this is something that I am still learning.

One thing I know for sure is that everyone relaxes differently, and the time it takes to unwind varies. Instead of trying to force myself to loosen up, sometimes I just need to allow my body, emotions, and mind to go through this weird limbo state of transition while I reach an equilibrium. It’s like hiking – we have to climb up the steep slopes and break a sweat to enjoy nature and the views from the top.

By implementing these solutions and continuing to work on them, I hope to break free from the work mode and find a balance that allows me to unwind and relax while still maintaining my productivity and professional identity. It’s a journey, but one that I’m committed to undertaking for the sake of my mental health and overall well-being.

Image by 愚木混株 Cdd20 from Pixabay