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Men and Mental Health

“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more ‘manhood’ to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.”

 – Alex Karras

A few years ago, I wrote an article about “My Asian Male Rage.” Since then, I have presented and facilitated about a dozen workshops and conversations about men and mental health. Here are some of my updated thoughts. *  

It seems like in our society it’s acceptable to make various subtle physical, sexist, and discriminatory comments toward men without much consideration. Some of the obvious examples are making fun of men who are short, bald, not hairy enough or too hairy, or not able to grow facial hair.

Unfortunately, the emotional and psychological impacts of these negative comments are often not addressed or acknowledged. The general excuse and expectation is that men are supposed to just “man-up” and act stoic and strong when being made fun of.

Alternatively, due to the perception that men are void of emotions and feelings, it’s considered allowable to put them down. Here are some of the problems that arise with these rationales.

First, whether we like it or not, men are just as emotional as anyone else. Due to centuries of social contract and conditioning, men are groomed not to tap into their feelings and express themselves. Fast forward to our modern-day expectation that men need to be more sensitive and in tune with their partner’s emotional needs, and the world in general. If we don’t acknowledge that men can get hurt from these negative and superficial comments, then how can we expect men to feel comfortable and safe to express themselves?

Second, one of the most common mental health stigmas is the false belief that a person can simply “get over it” or “calm down.” While society continues to expect men to just “man-up” while being victimized by subtle acts of discrimination, how can we encourage men to overcome the mental health stigma of “getting over it?”

Socialized Ideals of Masculinity in the Modern Era

Again, whether we want to admit it or not, gender inequality is still running rampant in our culture and society. Oftentimes, this inequality results from continual individual and societal beliefs and expectations. Some of the common presuppositions and traits that men have about themselves is that they need to be tough, action-oriented, decisive, stoic, self-sufficient, tall and strong, breadwinner, and to have a “hunter” mentality.

Overall, except for the tall and strong traits that are based on individual genetics, there is nothing really inherently wrong with these presuppositions. That being said, when men and society only emphasize mastering these traits without encouraging personal and emotional growth and humility, the problem of toxic masculinity arises. Below are some examples:

  • It is totally okay to be tough, but men aren’t allowed to develop emotional sensitivity.
  • Being action-oriented is good, but it can lead to over-confidence.
  • Being decisive is a strength, but it can also lead to stubbornness.
  • Being stoic is valuable for building character, especially during crisis situations, but it can also easily result in excessive substance usage.
  • Being self-sufficient is ideal for survival and financial planning, but it can also lead to a fear of being seen as weak and vulnerable if they lose their job.
  • Many men love to provide and care for others as breadwinners, but when men go through hard times and can’t be the breadwinners, they often experience shame and embarrassment, thinking they are not manly enough.
  • In dating, it’s normal that men have the “hunter” mindset in pursuing the opposite sex. However, this pursuit mentality can lead to aggression, and in some cases, even violence such as sexual assault or abuse.
  • Men may associate heterosexism as the norm, leading to homophobic attitudes.

Balancing Act

So, how can men expand and grow their masculine traits in positive directions? Here are my recommendations:

  • Toughness means the ability to express oneself and encourage other men to express their emotions and feelings freely.
  • While being action-oriented, include other people that you trust in the process.
  • Be decisive and assertive, and avoid being cocky or stubborn.
  • There is a time for stoicism, but remember that there is also a need for compassion and kindness toward oneself and others.
  • Self-sufficient is good for yourself, but remember to check in with your male friends and loved ones to see what they need.
  • If you are tall and strong, remember to practice humility.
  • It’s awesome that you can be the breadwinner for your family. Just remember to celebrate the financial success of the opposite gender as well.
  • If you are single and looking to mingle, nurture your “hunter” mindset with respect for the folks you are attracted to. If you are in a relationship, learn to express your feelings, emotions, vulnerability, and (maybe) your aggressions verbally or through various means, such as hobbies.
  • Learn to be secure with your gender identity and sexual orientation, understanding that heterosexism is one of many ways people live.

Feminine and Masculine Energy/Traits

The last thing I want to emphasize is that no matter how manly you are, you have feminine traits in you, and vice versa. All men have some form or level of feminine traits, and all women have some form and level of masculine energy. I think the sooner we can all accept this, the better the world will be.

Men having feminine traits doesn’t make you weak or “girly.” It’s natural. An example I like to use is even Dwayne Johnson (the Rock), the manliest man ever, who lets his daughter put “makeup” on his face and sits on a little pink chair to drink tea with her. 

 

 

*This blog is about general individuals who identify as heterosexual and male.

Photo from Mental Health Association of East Tennessee website.

Losing Something Precious

LOSING SOMETHING PRECIOUS 

“Sometimes we have to lose something precious not necessarily to gain something priceless; sometimes, just losing is priceless.”

– Shahid Hussain Raja

September was a great, interesting, and turbulent month. A lot of things happened as well as disappointments.

The most exciting highlights were:

  • I gave a Mental Health First Aid course at Denver Botanic Garden (one of my favorite places in Denver).
  • I presented through just keep livin Foundation, a nonprofit committed to empowering high school students by providing them with tools to lead active lives and make healthy choices for a better future. just keep livin was founded by Camila and Matthew McConaughey.
  • After eight years of writing and submitting various proposals for an idea that I am passionate about and want to pursue, I finally got the funding approval. I am beyond elated. More information will be shared in next month’s newsletter.

The most challenging thing was Lola has been diagnosed with chronic kidney disease and there is no cure for it. The vet gave Lola about a year or two before her kidneys completely failed and shut down.

This news caught me totally off guard. Lola is ten years old and turning eleven at the end of November. With her high/happy energy and size, I thought Lola would live to be at least fifteen years old or more.

One of my biggest struggles with Lola’s news is that most of my identity is wrapped around her existence. For example, my active lifestyle is closely woven with hers. I walk an average of two miles per day during the warm seasons with her. Going on long walks with Lola is one of my favorite things to do. This includes hiking. I am feeling extremely saddened and scared to lose her.

The news of Lola’s kidney disease overshadowed all of the exciting news and experiences in September. It’s hard for me to be cheerful and celebratory when this inevitable tragedy lingers over my head.

That being said, almost ten years ago I took a very powerful and meaningful mental health training called Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP). According to their website, WRAP is “a simple and powerful process for creating the life and wellness you want. With WRAP, you can:

  • Discover simple, safe, and effective tools to create and maintain wellness
  • Develop a daily plan to stay on track with your life and wellness goals
  • Identify what throws you off track and develop a plan to keep moving forward
  • Gain support and stay in control even in a crisis

The WRAP process supports you to identify the tools that keep you well and create action plans to put them into practice in your everyday life. All along the way, WRAP helps you incorporate key recovery concepts and wellness tools into your plans and your life.

During the WRAP training, I built my crisis plan and personal plan for prevention and recovery around Lola while working on the “identify what throws you off track and develop a plan to keep moving forward” and “gain support and stay in control even in a crisis” portion and exercises.

Fast forward to the present time. When I noticed that I was on a negative, depressive downward spiral because of Lola’s kidney disease, I returned to my WRAP workbook to review what I had already planned for myself during this crisis situation, and how I could prevent myself from falling further into a dark pit. Here are the top five actions that I identified:

  1. Go to happy hour.
  2. Take Lola out to her favorite parks/places every day.
  3. Continue my workout routine.
  4. Make sure that I get enough sleep.
  5. Plan and save up to go to Bora Bora.

Looking back on my list, I chuckled at the first action. I would be delighted to oblige to the happy hour command 😊.

Lola’s death is unavoidable, and I know it will cause severe mental and emotional turmoil within me. The “me” from 10 years ago was wise to choose Bora Bora as an escape and healing route. And, this is exactly what I plan to do now. I am going to start saving up and making plans so when the inevitable happens, I will pump some irons first, get some happy hour afterward, have a good night’s sleep, and fly out to Bora Bora.

Photo: Lola and her BFF Molko (the golden lab) and Meadow (the mud).

*I am not getting paid to say this, nor am I an instructor for WRAP. Whether you are experiencing a mental health challenge or not, I believe everyone needs to take WRAP. It can be a life-changing experience for you. I highly recommend it…

Avoidance

AVOIDANCE 

Lately, the word “avoidance” has been popping into my life to the point that I can no longer afford to avoid addressing avoidance.

It all started when my friend recommended a podcast interview with Dr. Luana Marques by Mel Robbins. This is what Dr. Marques said which resonates with me a lot, “Avoidance is what we do… if we walk away from things that are meaningful, then we are robbing ourselves of the best lives.” Avoidance is like a “mental jail” that we put ourselves in.[i]

From a mental health perspective, we know that avoidance is a common safety behavior and coping mechanism for people with anxiety. Furthermore, we understand that frequent avoidance can increase anxiety levels and have a negative impact on people’s ability to function in their daily lives. [ii]

Dr. Marques provides an example: when a person experiences panic attacks related to going to work or while at work, their brain may suggest that work is causing the panic attacks, leading them to stay home. This response seems logical. However, in reality, the person is conditioning their brain to associate work with panic attacks. In other words, they are allowing anxiety to become larger than themselves.

In the past, some of the educational institutions where I have spoken criticized certain aspects of my content as being too triggering for students. I fully understand and support the intention of safeguarding students’ well-being, especially those from marginalized backgrounds. That said, individuals who have attended my workshops in the past can attest that my mental health and DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) content is relatively straightforward and mild. If students find my training too challenging, I wonder how they will respond and adapt to the higher-stress environments they may encounter in their future workplaces, or to life in general. I’m not suggesting that we should neglect students’ well-being. Instead, we should find a balance between encouraging and providing opportunities for students to develop the strength and courage to engage in uncomfortable conversations about important issues, versus excessively shielding them and encouraging avoidance of anything that makes them uncomfortable.

The more I reflect on avoidance, the more I see it everywhere in my life and in the lives of others. Avoidance is highly prevalent because it’s incredibly easy for us to choose the path of opting out and not trying. We engage in it frequently, often rationalizing our decisions or giving in to our emotional fears and anxieties. Ultimately, it boils down to our instinctual fight or flight response. *

Avoidance manifests in two common forms. The first form involves denying or shying away from certain tasks, actions, goals, conversations, relationships, and more. This typically happens because we are either scared of them or oblivious to their importance. For example, we often tell ourselves, “I can’t..,” “I won’t be able to..,” “I wish I could..,” “I could only do that if I had the time or money..,” “What’s the point..,” “I will do it if/when I get a raise,” and many other self-deceptive sayings.

The other form of avoidance can be described as “escaping.” This involves retreating into our comfort zones and pretending that everything is okay. A friend of mine, Ivana, provides a compelling example. She has observed that some of her friends are deeply involved in yoga and meditation, spending hours on these activities. While these pursuits are healthier than certain unhealthy habits like excessive drinking, Ivana has noticed that some of her friends are using yoga and meditation as a means to escape from confronting the real challenges and issues in their lives and relationships.

So, how can we identify the things that we are avoiding, reframe them, and overcome avoidance? The first step is to recognize them. So, I’ve listed the top four things that I have been avoiding in my life.

  1. My Business: Rationally, I know what I need to do to scale up and achieve my next level of professional goals and dreams. However, due to fear and uncertainty, I’ve avoided seizing any chance or opportunity. Instead, I escape into my comfort zone by pacifying my ambition. I’ve been consciously and unconsciously telling myself that my work is impactful enough, and I have a good enough lifestyle, so I don’t need any advancement. These are truths in their own right, but in doing so, I’ve stifled my creativity and handcuffed my passion.
  2. Therapy: Since my therapist of nine years, Dr. Strober, passed away, I’ve been avoiding seeking out a new therapist. I justify it by telling myself that I’m “too busy,” “okay enough,” and that I’m “uncertain if any therapist can replace Dr. Strober.”
  3. Relationship: I’ve refrained from dating for many years, using excuses such as “I’m too busy building my business,” “I have trust issues,” “I don’t have time,” and “It’s too much work to meet new people nowadays.”
  4. Dancing: I’ve always wanted to become better at dancing, but due to shame and body-image issues, I’ve been afraid of dancing, even when alone.        

Because of my avoidance of these four things, I am walking away from having a more meaningful career and robbing myself of the best life that I might have.

The most effective way to conquer avoidance is by reframing our fears and anxieties. The technique for this involves understanding the underlying reasons and causes behind both rational and irrational emotional reactions. I’m grateful for the nine years of therapy I had with Dr. Strober; it has made it somewhat easier for me to “psychoanalyze” myself and trace the root causes of my fears and anxiety.

Once I confront my fears and anxiety directly, I gain the strength to bring them to the forefront of my consciousness and to “label” them. By giving them a name, my fears and anxieties still exist in my mind and body rent-free, but they no longer have the same power to frighten me.

So for now, I have already scheduled my very first therapy session with a new psychologist in September. I’ve started telling my friends that I am ready to start dating again. I’ve reengaged with a couple of business partnership opportunities that I believe can help me to reach the next professional level.  

Final thought: We can either be right and allow our avoidance to dictate our decisions or we can strive to live the most fulfilling life.

 

*The avoidance that I am referring to in this blog speaks to things that people typically want or are interested in, not extreme cases.

 

[i] Dr. Luana Marques by Mel Robbins

[ii] Healthline

 

Photo by vonvix on Unsplash

Monkey Mind

“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more ‘manhood’ to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.”

 – Alex Karras

A few years ago, I wrote an article about “My Asian Male Rage.” Since then, I have presented and facilitated about a dozen workshops and conversations about men and mental health. Here are some of my updated thoughts. *  

It seems like in our society it’s acceptable to make various subtle physical, sexist, and discriminatory comments toward men without much consideration. Some of the obvious examples are making fun of men who are short, bald, not hairy enough or too hairy, or not able to grow facial hair.

Unfortunately, the emotional and psychological impacts of these negative comments are often not addressed or acknowledged. The general excuse and expectation is that men are supposed to just “man-up” and act stoic and strong when being made fun of.

Alternatively, due to the perception that men are void of emotions and feelings, it’s considered allowable to put them down. Here are some of the problems that arise with these rationales.

First, whether we like it or not, men are just as emotional as anyone else. Due to centuries of social contract and conditioning, men are groomed not to tap into their feelings and express themselves. Fast forward to our modern-day expectation that men need to be more sensitive and in tune with their partner’s emotional needs, and the world in general. If we don’t acknowledge that men can get hurt from these negative and superficial comments, then how can we expect men to feel comfortable and safe to express themselves?

Second, one of the most common mental health stigmas is the false belief that a person can simply “get over it” or “calm down.” While society continues to expect men to just “man-up” while being victimized by subtle acts of discrimination, how can we encourage men to overcome the mental health stigma of “getting over it?”

Socialized Ideals of Masculinity in the Modern Era

Again, whether we want to admit it or not, gender inequality is still running rampant in our culture and society. Oftentimes, this inequality results from continual individual and societal beliefs and expectations. Some of the common presuppositions and traits that men have about themselves is that they need to be tough, action-oriented, decisive, stoic, self-sufficient, tall and strong, breadwinner, and to have a “hunter” mentality.

Overall, except for the tall and strong traits that are based on individual genetics, there is nothing really inherently wrong with these presuppositions. That being said, when men and society only emphasize mastering these traits without encouraging personal and emotional growth and humility, the problem of toxic masculinity arises. Below are some examples:

  • It is totally okay to be tough, but men aren’t allowed to develop emotional sensitivity.
  • Being action-oriented is good, but it can lead to over-confidence.
  • Being decisive is a strength, but it can also lead to stubbornness.
  • Being stoic is valuable for building character, especially during crisis situations, but it can also easily result in excessive substance usage.
  • Being self-sufficient is ideal for survival and financial planning, but it can also lead to a fear of being seen as weak and vulnerable if they lose their job.
  • Many men love to provide and care for others as breadwinners, but when men go through hard times and can’t be the breadwinners, they often experience shame and embarrassment, thinking they are not manly enough.
  • In dating, it’s normal that men have the “hunter” mindset in pursuing the opposite sex. However, this pursuit mentality can lead to aggression, and in some cases, even violence such as sexual assault or abuse.
  • Men may associate heterosexism as the norm, leading to homophobic attitudes.

Balancing Act

So, how can men expand and grow their masculine traits in positive directions? Here are my recommendations:

  • Toughness means the ability to express oneself and encourage other men to express their emotions and feelings freely.
  • While being action-oriented, include other people that you trust in the process.
  • Be decisive and assertive, and avoid being cocky or stubborn.
  • There is a time for stoicism, but remember that there is also a need for compassion and kindness toward oneself and others.
  • Self-sufficient is good for yourself, but remember to check in with your male friends and loved ones to see what they need.
  • If you are tall and strong, remember to practice humility.
  • It’s awesome that you can be the breadwinner for your family. Just remember to celebrate the financial success of the opposite gender as well.
  • If you are single and looking to mingle, nurture your “hunter” mindset with respect for the folks you are attracted to. If you are in a relationship, learn to express your feelings, emotions, vulnerability, and (maybe) your aggressions verbally or through various means, such as hobbies.
  • Learn to be secure with your gender identity and sexual orientation, understanding that heterosexism is one of many ways people live.

Feminine and Masculine Energy/Traits

The last thing I want to emphasize is that no matter how manly you are, you have feminine traits in you, and vice versa. All men have some form or level of feminine traits, and all women have some form and level of masculine energy. I think the sooner we can all accept this, the better the world will be.

Men having feminine traits doesn’t make you weak or “girly.” It’s natural. An example I like to use is even Dwayne Johnson (the Rock), the manliest man ever, who lets his daughter put “makeup” on his face and sits on a little pink chair to drink tea with her. 

 

 

*This blog is about general individuals who identify as heterosexual and male.

Photo from Mental Health Association of East Tennessee website.

Challenge of Unwinding

“I remember my grandfather telling me how each of us must live with a full measure of loneliness that is inescapable, and we must not destroy ourselves with our passion to escape the aloneness.”

​— Jim Harrison

For the past several years, I have been fortunate enough to travel abroad during the last week of June and the first week of July. One of the reasons I prefer to travel during this time of year is that I no longer enjoy the 4th of July celebration. Don’t get me wrong, I love the U.S. and I am proud to be a citizen. That being said, I often joke that “I love America, but I can’t stand ‘Merica anymore.”

This year, because of two important work-related contracts, I couldn’t take the trip. The deadlines for both contracts fell in the first week of July and I thought I had to work over the July 4th weekend. However, I was quite productive and I completed all the deliverables for both contracts weeks ahead of schedule.

That should have been great news, something to be proud and happy about. But when I realized that my other major projects wouldn’t start until August and I had no plans for the next three weeks, I started getting stressed out, experiencing a low-key panic attack. A friend made fun of me, saying that I am a victim of my efficiency.

For the past four months, I have immersed myself in a fast-paced work mode. Suddenly, I found myself sitting at home, bored out of my mind. Being bored wasn’t all that bad, but the worst part was that I couldn’t unwind and relax. My brain and emotional state were stuck in work mode, and I couldn’t escape from it. How bad did it get? I started cleaning and reorganizing my place for no apparent reason (I’m not a messy person, but I hate doing housework).

Looking back, I noticed this wasn’t the first time I’d become stuck in limbo with this dilemma, and since I had the time and was bored out of my wits, I decided to dissect this psychological and mental health pattern of mine. Like many emotional and mental health challenges, there were different levels and components.

First and foremost, like many men and business owners, my identity is associated and wrapped around my work and profession. My identity as an educator and professional speaker often supersedes my Asian/Taiwanese American identity. Almost everything in my current life is built around my work. I work whenever I can and whenever I am bored. The underlying fear is that if I don’t have my work, then who am I?

Another level of my work identity is the need to “hunt” and be productive. Maybe due to the millennium of evolution and as a byproduct of being a male, I always feel compelled to pursue the next project and beat the next task. This process rejuvenates my life, gives me a thrill, keeps me psychologically and emotionally occupied, and provides some form of meaning and purpose to my life despite the many challenges and uncertainties that come with it.

The second cause is my good old buddy, Anxiety. I have written about this before in my blog post called “Is This How I Want to Live, Anxiety?” The combination of expectations and pressure from the “hustle culture” and always overworking, and an immigrant survivalist mindset that I have to work harder, be productive and prove myself, to build up my safety net, can be mentally and emotionally challenging when I try to take a break. Even when I know I need to take a breather, my anxiety often prohibits me from slowing down.

The third cause is regret. My mind keeps telling me that I should have booked that flight to Scotland or Amsterdam and now I am “stuck” here. YOLO, so I should NOT have played it safe. A lot of “should haves” flying around in my head.

The last challenge is unwinding, which can result in the inability to shift gears and adapt. According to a study by Scott Schieman of the University of Toronto in the Harvard Business Review, 50% of people bring their work home with them. This means that many people have a hard time unwinding from work on a daily basis. Another example I’ve observed is that many people either bring their work laptop/phone on their vacation or plan to do some work while on vacation. Based on my friends’ experiences and my own, once we arrive at our vacation destination, on average it takes about two to three days to fully decouple from work. In all the trips I have taken, I have found myself still answering emails on the day of travel and during the first two days of vacation.

This shows that it can be extremely challenging for people to shift gears mentally and emotionally. The main reason is that it’s hard to let go of things. Old habits die hard. Most people are creatures of habit and routines. Whether it’s work, or something we love or hate doing, once we start doing them repeatedly, we get used to them and find some “comfort” in them. Breaking away means letting go of something familiar and embracing something foreign. And this can be uncomfortable and scary, even if it’s something like a vacation or engaging in new activities that are good for your health and mental well-being.

Solutions

With a better understanding of my challenges, I started working on healing myself and transforming some of these challenges.

First, I love my job and I am proud of my work and professional identity. At the same time, I really need to put more effort into decoupling my identity from my profession, or at least setting some boundaries. At this moment, I don’t know exactly how I can do this yet. Two decades of living in survival mode have caused me to neglect my hobbies. Maybe it’s time for me to rediscover my hobbies and find other interests that I can pursue.

Second, to tackle my anxiety, I have to practice what I preach. In my blog post “Is This How I Want to Live, Anxiety?” I outlined six steps to “chill the fuck out” and calm my anxiety:

  1. Observe my anxiety and build a deeper awareness of it.
  2. Reflect and try to understand the causes of my anxiety. Instead of being ashamed, fearful, and hating my anxiety, I learn to appreciate it because it is one of my survival skills and has been keeping me alive.
  3. Slowly learn to be comfortable with my fear and anxiety, even though it can be unpleasant.
  4. Acknowledge and recognize that my anxiety is and will always be here.
  5. Build the capacity to coexist with my anxiety, so I will be able to gradually manage it by replacing or transforming it with other more positive emotions and feelings.
  6. Repeat steps 1 to 5 over and over again.

I noticed that the best time to practice these six steps is when I’m out hiking or going on a long walk. During these hikes and walks, I intentionally don’t listen to any music or podcasts. I simply try to be one with myself. Yes, it can be challenging and lonely. But once I become comfortable with myself, I feel incredible and free.

Third, to deal with my regrets, I need to remind myself to stop comparing Scotland and Colorado. We know that too much comparison can lead to low self-esteem, which results in frustration with oneself for not being good enough.

Along these lines, my friend Ivana Polonijo encouraged me to ask myself these questions: “Why am I beating myself up?” and “What is the purpose of beating myself up?” Upon reflecting on these questions, I realized that I have been putting unnecessary pressure on myself. So, I’ve decided to let go of this comparison mentality by reframing the narrative in my head.

I tell myself that while Scotland sounds amazing, Colorado is beautiful during the summertime, too. Even though I have done a lot of adventuring in Colorado, such as hiking many different mountains and visiting mountain towns, there are still many other new things I haven’t tried yet. I need to stop making excuses in my head, such as whether it’s too crowded, too much work, and whether it will be worth my time. Instead, I need to tap into my curiosity again and wonder about the new possibilities and opportunities that I can experience.

Lastly, I remembered a conversation I had with my friend Joe Towne a couple of years ago about unwinding. Joe is a professional actor who has been on TV shows and movies. We talked about the amazing rush of performing on the stage or in front of a camera, and the emotional crash that follows when the show ends, especially if you’re driving home alone. Joe told me that it has taken him many years of intentional practice to learn to cope with the downward spiral and to prevent himself from going from a high-high to a low-low.

Just like any healthy behavior, we need to learn to unwind and relax. For certain people, and speaking for myself, due to past trauma, it can be challenging to lighten up. Thus, the ability to completely chill out does not come naturally. Again, this is something that I am still learning.

One thing I know for sure is that everyone relaxes differently, and the time it takes to unwind varies. Instead of trying to force myself to loosen up, sometimes I just need to allow my body, emotions, and mind to go through this weird limbo state of transition while I reach an equilibrium. It’s like hiking – we have to climb up the steep slopes and break a sweat to enjoy nature and the views from the top.

By implementing these solutions and continuing to work on them, I hope to break free from the work mode and find a balance that allows me to unwind and relax while still maintaining my productivity and professional identity. It’s a journey, but one that I’m committed to undertaking for the sake of my mental health and overall well-being.

Image by 愚木混株 Cdd20 from Pixabay

Numbness

“I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes…

… Can’t you see that you’re smothering me
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
‘Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I’ve become so numb
I can’t feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I’m becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you…”

– “Numb” by Linkin Park

 

In the past, during intense or crisis situations, people would tell me that I was stoic, expressionless, or emotionless. One of my former bosses even accused me of not caring because I wasn’t showing any emotions such as distress, nervousness, agitation, or excitement before an important meeting or during a usually stressful situation. Looking back, I was not devoid of emotions (I wish I was). In fact, I was heavily impacted by all sorts of negative emotions and bombarded with anxiety, fear, and distress. I appeared deadpan because I could not afford to experience an emotional breakdown. With all of the childhood traumas that I had undergone and the severe depression that I lived through most of my life, I was always one camel straw away from a complete emotional breakdown. Since I didn’t have any social or familial safety net, I had to hold myself together at all costs. So, I held myself together by learning to suppress my sadness, happiness, anxiety, depression, excitement, and whatever natural emotions that a young man might have. Throughout this long history of repressing my emotions, I was so good at hiding my feelings that I succumbed to the void of being dispassionate. I became the numbness.

The numbness in my life dulled my senses and overall well-being. I maintained this numbness for the sanity of my own mental health, at the same time I was trapped in the cage of this numbness. I wanted to break free, to feel alive, or at least feel something. Due to my trauma, fear, anxiety, and depression, I didn’t know how. Thus, the cycle of misery continued.

Fast forward to the present day. Some of the most common feedback I receive from my public speaking clients and theater performance audiences is that I always appear very calm and confident when speaking and acting. When my neighbor asked me if I am nervous the night before an important speech, I tell her that I am fine and not really feeling anything. Of course, the reality is that I always have the butterfly feelings in my stomach before I speak or act, in-person or virtually.

When I tell my neighbor that “I am not nervous,” it is not because I am an astonishing speaker/actor or because I’ve mastered my anxiety and figured it all out. It’s often because I need this nervousness to a certain extent, and I thrive in this tension.

Through years of trial and error, what I’ve discovered about myself is that somehow when I speak and act or perform in front of people, I truly feel alive. This feeling of aliveness and excitement resembles an innocent and naïve childishness along with a youthful excitement about life, my surroundings, and the future. It’s one of the very few things that I can do to break away from my numbness.  Besides Lola dog, this sentiment is probably the closest I get to knowing what true happiness is. Thus, the nervousness of speaking in front of hundreds of people is part of the process and experience for me to feel alive and free.

As you can see, to a certain extent, what I have shared so far can be contradicting and oxymoronic. How can the two opposite mental/emotional health conditions of numbness and excitement coexist? I think I know, but I don’t really know. What I know is that we humans often live in contradictions and thrive in divergence, despite the awful feelings that come with it. The more I learn about myself, I realize that I need to be more forgiving and comfortable living with contradictions, and even welcome them as part of my growth and healing process.

 

Image by: 愚木混株 Cdd20 from Pixabay

Murphy’s Law

“Murphy’s Law” 

“You are having a good morning. You are driving to your next appointment and you are ahead of schedule, and you drive swiftly through all of the green lights. A few days later, you are having a stressful day, you are running behind, and you literally hit all of the red lights.”

Doesn’t this sound familiar? I call this Murphy’s Law. Murphy’s Law is “an adage or epigram that is typically stated as ‘Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.’”[i] In addition, for me, Murphy’s Law also means that everything happens all at once and that things can be too good or too bad.

Here is another example. Back in January and February, my schedule was slower with a lot of downtime. Fast forward to April, in the span of four weeks, I had over eight different friends from out-of-town visiting Denver and wanting to meet up. A couple of other Denver friends that I have not seen since last fall also wanted to hang out. On top of that, I had to make two trips to Dallas and Los Angeles. Thus, I was out almost every single evening meeting up with friends and having a good time with my peeps. At the same time, I was socially exhausted.

Building on last month’s blog titled “Why is This Always Happening to Me?” and January’s blog, “Is This How I Want to Live, Anxiety,” Murphy’s Law is part of the continuum of anxiety and inner frustration that I struggle with, and somehow, it is something that I am having a really hard time dealing with. It’s like when things are going well, everything is going well. When things are going bad, everything is going downhill.

Of course, some incidents can be explained away and some I just don’t understand. For instance, April is Spring Break time so people are traveling more often. At the same time, I can’t stop myself from wondering why it’s “happening to me” and why things can’t (both the good and the bad) be spread out more evenly.

Whenever Murphy’s Law occurs in my life, I become very frustrated and annoyed. The frustration and annoyance come from feeling powerless. This feeling of powerlessness comes from the sense that I have little or no control over my calendar and scheduling, and it screws up the plans that I’ve set my mind on.

On the surface, it looks like this is my anxiety acting up. Digging deeper, I notice it is my depression that is fueling this reaction. It is quite common for people that are experiencing depression to also experience anxiety at the same time. This is called comorbidity. In fact, studies have shown that 60% of people that have anxiety disorder also have some type of depressive symptoms, and vice versa.[ii]

While I was struggling with severe depression during my twenties and early thirties, one of my biggest fears was enjoying happiness (the high) in fear that the high would be extremely temporary and that literally the very next minute I would slip back into the dark abyss of depression (the low). Since the highs were always so short-lived, I would prefer to sacrifice my happiness so I wouldn’t need to experience the crashing down. This is one of the reasons that I rarely celebrate my birthday or I don’t enjoy holidays. This mentality I have tells me there is no point in being “happy” for a couple of hours or one day knowing that I will soon have to go back and face my miserable life again.

Over a decade, this fear has morphed into a habit that has become part of my lifestyle, my mentality, and my mental health technique. The pros are a feeling of smooth sailing that prevents ups and downs in my life, maintaining my internal and external composure, and keeping everything in my life pretty consistent. The cons happen when I don’t allow myself to experience the different up and down emotions and truly and fully expose myself to them. I miss out on various fun and adventurous opportunities, and ultimately I prohibit myself from enjoying life.

For the longest time, it felt like my experience with depression was separate from anxiety. In fact, I didn’t even really notice I had anxiety until a few years ago after years of therapy recovering from my depression. Thus, when my anxiety and depression manifest simultaneously during Murphy’s Law incidents, I feel overwhelmed, defeated, and powerless because I feel like I have no tools to counter both at once. It’s like I am getting two punches at the same time, one to the head and the other to the stomach. 

Murphy’s Law is something that I am continuously struggling with, and I have no solutions. Murphy’s Law is the symptom, and the real pain is the ongoing, recurring struggle with anxiety and depression.

I’ve been reminding myself of the word “resiliency.” I need to continue to practice what I preach and use the tools that I’ve shared in my previous blogs. I need to see this as a journey of new discovery. This means that instead of wanting to take a magic pill that will “cure” everything, I need to allow myself the opportunity to learn, explore, upgrade, and experiment with new mental health and lifestyle tools. I need to just keep going. If I fall, I need to pick myself up and keep going.

Just for fun and to vent my feelings, here is another Murphy’s Law incident that I just can’t comprehend and gets me worked up really badly every time. I go to Costco once a month to stock up. Every Costco shopper knows that weekends at Costco are like the zoo and it can get quite busy during weekday lunchtime and after work hours, too. One of the privileges of working for myself and from home is that I can go to Costco in the middle of the day to avoid the crowds, like at 10 am right when it opens, or around 2 pm after the lunchtime rush. Seriously, the last ten times that I’ve gone to Costco during those supposed “slower” times, Costco has been so packed and crowded. The lines at the checkouts and gas stations are ridiculously crazy long. Somehow, whenever this happens, I go berserk and get super mad, lol. The worst part is that, even though rationally I know that the busyness at Costco is a recurring phenomenon, somehow I still fall into the same old trap that my anxiety and depression have set up.

 

[i] Wikipedia.org

[ii] NAMI

 Meme by makeameme.org

“Why Is This Always Happening to ME?”

“Why Is This Always Happening to ME?” 

“Why is this always happening to me?” is a question that often pops into my mind. When this question starts flashing in my head, it’s often during stressful situations accompanied by different negative emotions, such as frustration, anger, jealousy, and/or anxiety.

Here is an example. Recently I had the opportunity to visit the State of Oaxaca in Mexico. I had a transfer flight from Mexico City to Oaxaca. Like O’Hare International Airport, Mexico City International Airport is well-known for flight delays and disruptions. With this information in mind, I allocated two hours of cushion time between my transfer flights. Guess what? Everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. The departing flight from Denver to Mexico City was delayed for about 45 minutes. The gate agent made me check in my carry-on bag. When the airplane flew into Mexico City airspace, the plane had to circle around for 30 minutes to wait for an opening for landing. The line at immigration and customs was unusually long for a weekday night. It took about 45 minutes for my checked bag to come out.

Standing in the baggage claim area, the question “Why is this always happening to me?” kept ringing nonstop in my head. On top of that, my frustration was fueled by “WTF, I planned everything right!” My anxiety skyrocketed. My upper body was tight. My body temperature was through the roof. My mind was racing with all of the negative thoughts. My friend was waiting for me in another terminal and I was so stressed out that I would miss my transfer and that it would ruin our trip.

In the past, I would be totally and easily consumed by this situation and succumb to my anger, anxiety, and victim mentality. I would start complaining, pounding, and pacing around, ultimately turning into a “Karen.”

With all of these external and inner shenanigans going on at that moment, I told myself, “I am going to try something different this time and really practice what I preach.”

Building upon the “chill the fuck out” mindset and mantra that I used when I traveled to Belize, I started off by mentally and physically forcing myself to take multiple deep breaths. When people are stressed, they naturally start taking shorter breaths which increases carbon dioxide in the body. Increased carbon dioxide in the body causes headaches, an inability to focus, feelings of confusion and paranoia, and maybe even panic attacks.[i] Thus, in stressful situations when your body is tightened up, it can be extremely helpful to intentionally inhale air deeply and exhale slowly. Personally, by practicing this breathing technique even for a minute or so, I noticed my body became relaxed, my head became clearer, and my emotions settled down a little bit.  

After I had done my breathing exercise, I checked in with all of my emotions. I observed them. I tried to understand the root causes of these anxieties and negativity. The biggest one was the fear of ruining my trip by being stuck in the airport and wasting my precious time, as well as the potential additional financial cost. Once I was aware of these root causes, instead of suppressing them, I mentally and emotionally acknowledged them. Like a troubled child that needs attention and TLC, once I validated my emotions, they started simmering down.  

The next step was transforming these root causes of my negative thinking by using self-affirmation. I started telling myself, “Hey, it could be worse. I could be stuck in an airport somewhere in Iowa. I love Mexico City. So, it’s not going to be that bad being stuck here for a night. Yes, I might have to spend extra money on a hotel. Yes, it’s going to suck financially, but it can be an investment to have an extracurricular adventure here in the city.” This new mindset became my new mantra. Instead of letting my stressed-out brain keep saying, “Why is this happening to me?” I replaced it with a newer and more positive inner dialogue. 

Ultimately, what I was trying to do was free myself from the victim mentality. Yes, I was a victim of the flight delays. Yes, it was the airline/airport’s fault. Yes, it could be my fault, too, for only allocating two hours of cushion time. But I refused to dwell in this endless loop of negativity. I didn’t want to be the victim of my own victim mentality which always results in increased frustration, anger, and/or anxiety.   

Reflecting back on all of the trips that have gone wrong, when I was trapped in the victim mindset, my toxic mentality often spilled into my vacation and the negative energy acted up later. In a way, it wasn’t the missed flight or long lines at the car rental that ruined my trip, it was my own mental health.    

By the time I retrieved my checked bag, the transferring flight was scheduled to depart in 10 minutes; it would take me about 10 minutes on the shuttle ride to get to the other terminal. To my surprise and relief, my friend messaged me and told me that the transfer flight was delayed for about 30 minutes.

I am grateful that I had the mental and emotional tools available and the capability to work on myself at the baggage claim. By the time I met up with my friend on the transferring flight, I was able to let go of the victim mentality, move on, and start enjoying my vacation.

Oaxaca

Oaxaca is a beautiful state. It’s still considered a hidden gem in Mexico. We spent all of our time in the coastal region. The beaches and sunsets down there are phenomenal. I love their culture. The foods and cheese are amazing. Oaxaca is famous for Tlayudas (picture below), which make the American quesadilla look like child’s play. I highly recommend it.

 

[i] HealthLine

Motivation, Focus, Energy

Motivation, Focus, Energy

Building on what I wrote in the previous blog about my anxiety and the question, “Is there a balance between the hustle culture and the enjoyment of life?” I came across this quotation from Motivational Lines, “Work-life balance is not about finding the perfect equilibrium; it’s about finding harmony within the chaos.” This quotation has inspired me to continue digging into the intersection of my obsession with work, success, the thrill of achievements, and my anxiety. Somewhere in the midst of this intersection, there are three other elements that need to be brought to light, which are motivation, focus, and energy.

For the longest time, I struggled with motivation. As a person that used to experience severe depression, summoning the inspiration and energy to do anything was extremely challenging. The things that kept me going were survival and fighting the immigration system. People had walked out of my life and I had no safety net to fall on. If there was any tragedy that ever happened to me financially, physically, emotionally, or psychologically, I was dead in the water. On top of that, I could get deported back to Taiwan, a country that I barely knew. Thus, I worked hard with long hours. At any given time, I had two or three side jobs just to meet my need and tried to build up some financial security. Even though I hated it and didn’t have any motivation to do these jobs, I had no choice but to force myself out of my bed every morning.  Reflecting on this whole process and history, ultimately it was my anxiety that was pushing me forward as I continued to fight on. I guess in a way my anxiety was my biggest motivator and ally.

The absence of any positive and inspiring motivation resulted in a lack of focus. Whenever I tried to study, read, and write for school or work, I found myself having a really hard time concentrating. I thought I had ADHD (maybe I do). I probably wasted countless hours just staring at the screen and zoning out. Of course, social media didn’t help at all.

Looking back and diving into the unfocused state that I was in, I realize that the major culprit was my trauma. In reality, I wasn’t simply zoning out and daydreaming about the good old times. My brain and body were bombarded with a whole bunch of undesired and unwanted memories and emotions from my childhood. These feelings and thoughts were replayed uncontrollably again and again in my head. I would get so overwhelmed, afraid, and exhausted that I didn’t have any more mental energy left to focus on the tasks at hand. My brain was so scattered and my body felt very vulnerable. The only way I could get myself to focus was to use my anxiety and fear-driven mentality to force myself to concentrate and get the work done. The consequences of not getting my work done could result in living on the street or facing deportation.

All of these anxieties, fear, and trauma-induced emotions were extremely taxing to my mental and physical health. I was chronically fatigued. Fortunately, back then, I was younger so I could summon up more energy. That being said, at one moment I could feel all energetic, and five minutes later, I would feel worn out.

So, as you can tell, for almost two decades, my motivation, focus, and energy derived from trauma-induced and anxiety-driven sources. As part of my mental health healing and recovery process, I have been learning and developing ways to have more positive and healthy ways to motivate myself, have better mental focus, and have more balanced energy.

Here is what I have learned and been practicing.

When it comes to motivation, the clearer my purpose, the more motivation I have. The more clarity I have in every mindset and thinking process, action, and decision I make, the more sense of control I have. For the longest time, I was trying to fulfill and meet society’s and other people’s expectations. I was always chasing something that was not me. The moment I found my passion and purpose, the moment I stop caring what other people thought of me and trying to please everyone, the moment I started looking within and acting and pursuing my passion and purpose, that’s the moment I possessed all of the motivation. Of course, not having to deal with immigration is a huge help, as well.

When it comes to focusing, having the motivation by knowing my purpose and passion is a natural progression and extremely beneficial. To sustain the focus and motivation, I’ve developed healthy daily routines that consist of meditation, reading, exercises, naps, time management, and constrained time on social media and watching TV. These routines ground me. They are the healthy habits that align my mind, purpose, passion, emotions, and the tasks at hand. For example, in the past, after sitting down at my desk and trying to write a blog, it would take me at least 30 to 45 minutes to feel motivated and focused enough to even start writing. I would be scrolling through news sites, emails, social media, or whatever things that would distract me. Nowadays, it takes me only 5 minutes to get into the zone. And, I feel GREAT!

This feeling of greatness is the exact energy that I have been striving to obtain. When I see myself motivated/focused and producing the results that I’ve set up for, I get even more energized. It’s a positive cycle that constantly is empowering itself. In addition, physical health is crucial to sustaining energy levels. Nowadays, sleep trumps everything else. Nothing is more important to me than sleep, maybe except Lola dog 😊. Of course, healthy diet and body movements all are prerequisites to having good energy.

If you are interested in learning more about how to increase your motivation, focus, and energy level, please reach out to me. I will be more than happy to share other tools and tips that I have been using.

 

Mural by: Joe Pagac, Katherine Joyce, Arielle Alelunas, Brady Fellows (2021)

Is This How I Want to Live, Anxiety?

Is This How I want to Live, Anxiety?

What is success? It is an inner and indescribable force, resourcefulness, power of vision; a consciousness that I am, by my mere existence, exerting pressure on the movement of life about me. It is my belief in the adaptability of life to my own ends. Fortune and success lie within ourselves. We must hold them firmly—deep within us.”

– Thomas Mann

You work hard every day in pursuit of your professional goals while others sit back and wait. You only rest for a short time or not at all. The reward is the success, glory, and “freedom” that you will attain after a certain number of years of hard work. Does this sound familiar? This is pretty much the definition of the hustle culture.

This is the mentality and belief that a majority of Americans and immigrants are taught, indoctrinated and have grown up with. Recently, I read a statement (paraphrasing), we always ask our youth what they want to be when they grow up instead of how they want to live and what type of person they want to be. We often identify ourselves with the success of our work, job title, position, material and financial wealth, and the line of work we are in. There is always the internal and external pressure and desire to continue wanting more, to overcome more challenges, and to attain the next level of achievement.

It’s not inherently wrong or bad to pursue your passion, wants to work, makes a name for yourself, and generate wealth. I myself am the byproduct of the hustle culture. I love to work. I am thrilled when I get a new contract. I feel excited when I get to custom design workshops for my clients. On average, I work about 47 hours per week. At the same time, a study by Deloitte shows that 77 % of people have experienced burnout at their job and 42% have left their jobs because they felt burned out. So, the question is why am I doing this? Is this a healthy lifestyle? Is this the lifestyle that I want for the rest of myself? If I don’t want to have this lifestyle, what is the alternative? Is there a balance between the hustle culture and the enjoyment of life?

People engage in the hustle culture for different reasons. Some people use it as an escape from reality especially if they have experienced some type of traumatic event. Some people are money, power, and/or fame-driven. Some people have the need to feel in control all the time. Some people simply need to know what to do next. Some other people associate their work success as part of their intrinsic identity and the reason for living (this is especially true for a lot of men). My profession as a professional speaker is a large part of my identity as a person, probably more than my identity as a Taiwanese/Asian American man.

When I dive deeper into why I am so obsessed and in love with the hustle culture, I discover my old culprit and nemesis, Anxiety. On the mere surface level, I work so hard because I need to prove to myself that I can “make it.” This need to prove myself derives from insecurity and believing that I have wasted/lost so much time in my life due to immigration, therefore I need to work 3x’s harder and more than others. Also, this insecurity comes from the fear of failure, my survival instinct, and the lack of a safety net in my life and in our society. To add to the fire, there is a layer of guilt knowing that I have a decent life and there are so many people struggling, therefore I feel bad if I don’t “suffer.” To compound this guilt, the money culture of “time is money” has been driven deep into my subconscious and unconscious mind. Combined with all of these reasons, my Anxiety runs rampant and haywire in my psyche, mental health, and emotions.

For example, my friend from Mexico City loves snow. Whenever there is a snowstorm in Denver, I send her pictures of snow-covered buildings and trees. And my friend always tells me, “It’s a good day to sit on the couch, drink some hot chocolate, bundle up with warmness, and enjoy the snowing view.” Whenever she says this, instead of appreciating the beautiful snow day and considering taking advantage of my semi-flexible schedule to take a little time off to enjoy life, I get super anxious, uptight, and nervous. My primal reaction is often, “Hell no, I got no time for this. I have too much work to do.” The saddest part is that I know I can at least take 30 minutes off, and somehow I simply can’t make myself do it. I feel so anxious that I am compelled and pressured to work on my next task, project, or meeting that I forget to enjoy the moment.

Growing up in Eastern culture and religions (Buddhism, Daoism, and Confucianism,), I am familiar with various cultural practices of pausing, slowing down, and renewal such as Zen practices of retreating to nature or some form of seclusion to practice different forms of spiritual exercise. The Jewish culture has the Sabbath. Native tribes in the United States or on other continents have practices sitting around with their people/family and being in the present moment.

Solutions:

Lately, I’ve been telling myself that I need “to chill the fuck out.” Baby steps. Instead of taking an hour to drink hot chocolate and enjoy the snow (which my anxiety would literally induce a heart attack in me), I take five minutes to appreciate the view. From five minutes, I slowly increase this time to ten minutes.

My long-time good friend often tells me that I get very tense and uptight, borderline angry when I’m stuck in traffic or have to wait in line at the gas station or grocery store. And, she is definitely right. I hate waiting. Because the idea of “time is money” is so ingrained in my consciousness, my anxiety flares up and I forget to just “let it be.” So, I have been preaching to myself, yes, time is money and so is my health and mental health.

Last, I was very fortunate to spend ten days in Belize last month. I set out for Belize with the intention of fully practicing the “chill the fuck out” mantra by slowing down and allowing myself to embrace the uncertainties. For example, I took local buses knowing that I would have to wait longer and that it was going take much more time. So, I used this opportunity to:

  1. Observe my anxiety and build a deeper awareness of my anxiety.
  2. Reflect and try to understand the causes of my anxiety. Instead of being ashamed, fearful, and hating my anxiety, I learned to appreciate it because my anxiety is one of my survival skills and has been keeping me alive.
  3. Slowly learn to be comfortable with my fear and anxiety even though it can be unpleasant.
  4. Acknowledge and recognize that my anxiety is and will always be here.
  5. Build the capacity to co-exist with my anxiety, so I will be able to slowly manage my anxiety by replacing or transforming it with other more positive emotions and feelings.
  6. Repeat steps 1-to-5 over and over again.

Throughout the whole process, I learned to truly be by myself, enjoy my surroundings, and live in the moment. And, I was able to talk to local people that I would never have conversed with before and learn about their life stories, which is priceless. For example, during one of the legs of my trip in Belize, the shuttle was running late. In the past, I would get so impatient and borderline agitated. This time around, I practiced to chill fuck down. Instead of pacing around nonstop and all worked up, I started talking to the shuttle company’s front desk employee. The employee had the TV show “Wednesday” on and she shared her screen monitor with me. For the next 30 mins, I watched the show with her and learned about her favorite types of shows and movies. On top of that, I fell in love with “Wednesday.” Once I got back to the states, I binge-watched the whole show.

 

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