Is This How I want to Live, Anxiety?
“What is success? It is an inner and indescribable force, resourcefulness, power of vision; a consciousness that I am, by my mere existence, exerting pressure on the movement of life about me. It is my belief in the adaptability of life to my own ends. Fortune and success lie within ourselves. We must hold them firmly—deep within us.”
– Thomas Mann
You work hard every day in pursuit of your professional goals while others sit back and wait. You only rest for a short time or not at all. The reward is the success, glory, and “freedom” that you will attain after a certain number of years of hard work. Does this sound familiar? This is pretty much the definition of the hustle culture.
This is the mentality and belief that a majority of Americans and immigrants are taught, indoctrinated and have grown up with. Recently, I read a statement (paraphrasing), we always ask our youth what they want to be when they grow up instead of how they want to live and what type of person they want to be. We often identify ourselves with the success of our work, job title, position, material and financial wealth, and the line of work we are in. There is always the internal and external pressure and desire to continue wanting more, to overcome more challenges, and to attain the next level of achievement.
It’s not inherently wrong or bad to pursue your passion, wants to work, makes a name for yourself, and generate wealth. I myself am the byproduct of the hustle culture. I love to work. I am thrilled when I get a new contract. I feel excited when I get to custom design workshops for my clients. On average, I work about 47 hours per week. At the same time, a study by Deloitte shows that 77 % of people have experienced burnout at their job and 42% have left their jobs because they felt burned out. So, the question is why am I doing this? Is this a healthy lifestyle? Is this the lifestyle that I want for the rest of myself? If I don’t want to have this lifestyle, what is the alternative? Is there a balance between the hustle culture and the enjoyment of life?
People engage in the hustle culture for different reasons. Some people use it as an escape from reality especially if they have experienced some type of traumatic event. Some people are money, power, and/or fame-driven. Some people have the need to feel in control all the time. Some people simply need to know what to do next. Some other people associate their work success as part of their intrinsic identity and the reason for living (this is especially true for a lot of men). My profession as a professional speaker is a large part of my identity as a person, probably more than my identity as a Taiwanese/Asian American man.
When I dive deeper into why I am so obsessed and in love with the hustle culture, I discover my old culprit and nemesis, Anxiety. On the mere surface level, I work so hard because I need to prove to myself that I can “make it.” This need to prove myself derives from insecurity and believing that I have wasted/lost so much time in my life due to immigration, therefore I need to work 3x’s harder and more than others. Also, this insecurity comes from the fear of failure, my survival instinct, and the lack of a safety net in my life and in our society. To add to the fire, there is a layer of guilt knowing that I have a decent life and there are so many people struggling, therefore I feel bad if I don’t “suffer.” To compound this guilt, the money culture of “time is money” has been driven deep into my subconscious and unconscious mind. Combined with all of these reasons, my Anxiety runs rampant and haywire in my psyche, mental health, and emotions.
For example, my friend from Mexico City loves snow. Whenever there is a snowstorm in Denver, I send her pictures of snow-covered buildings and trees. And my friend always tells me, “It’s a good day to sit on the couch, drink some hot chocolate, bundle up with warmness, and enjoy the snowing view.” Whenever she says this, instead of appreciating the beautiful snow day and considering taking advantage of my semi-flexible schedule to take a little time off to enjoy life, I get super anxious, uptight, and nervous. My primal reaction is often, “Hell no, I got no time for this. I have too much work to do.” The saddest part is that I know I can at least take 30 minutes off, and somehow I simply can’t make myself do it. I feel so anxious that I am compelled and pressured to work on my next task, project, or meeting that I forget to enjoy the moment.
Growing up in Eastern culture and religions (Buddhism, Daoism, and Confucianism,), I am familiar with various cultural practices of pausing, slowing down, and renewal such as Zen practices of retreating to nature or some form of seclusion to practice different forms of spiritual exercise. The Jewish culture has the Sabbath. Native tribes in the United States or on other continents have practices sitting around with their people/family and being in the present moment.
Solutions:
Lately, I’ve been telling myself that I need “to chill the fuck out.” Baby steps. Instead of taking an hour to drink hot chocolate and enjoy the snow (which my anxiety would literally induce a heart attack in me), I take five minutes to appreciate the view. From five minutes, I slowly increase this time to ten minutes.
My long-time good friend often tells me that I get very tense and uptight, borderline angry when I’m stuck in traffic or have to wait in line at the gas station or grocery store. And, she is definitely right. I hate waiting. Because the idea of “time is money” is so ingrained in my consciousness, my anxiety flares up and I forget to just “let it be.” So, I have been preaching to myself, yes, time is money and so is my health and mental health.
Last, I was very fortunate to spend ten days in Belize last month. I set out for Belize with the intention of fully practicing the “chill the fuck out” mantra by slowing down and allowing myself to embrace the uncertainties. For example, I took local buses knowing that I would have to wait longer and that it was going take much more time. So, I used this opportunity to:
- Observe my anxiety and build a deeper awareness of my anxiety.
- Reflect and try to understand the causes of my anxiety. Instead of being ashamed, fearful, and hating my anxiety, I learned to appreciate it because my anxiety is one of my survival skills and has been keeping me alive.
- Slowly learn to be comfortable with my fear and anxiety even though it can be unpleasant.
- Acknowledge and recognize that my anxiety is and will always be here.
- Build the capacity to co-exist with my anxiety, so I will be able to slowly manage my anxiety by replacing or transforming it with other more positive emotions and feelings.
- Repeat steps 1-to-5 over and over again.
Throughout the whole process, I learned to truly be by myself, enjoy my surroundings, and live in the moment. And, I was able to talk to local people that I would never have conversed with before and learn about their life stories, which is priceless. For example, during one of the legs of my trip in Belize, the shuttle was running late. In the past, I would get so impatient and borderline agitated. This time around, I practiced to chill fuck down. Instead of pacing around nonstop and all worked up, I started talking to the shuttle company’s front desk employee. The employee had the TV show “Wednesday” on and she shared her screen monitor with me. For the next 30 mins, I watched the show with her and learned about her favorite types of shows and movies. On top of that, I fell in love with “Wednesday.” Once I got back to the states, I binge-watched the whole show.
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