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The intent of this piece is to create awareness about the complexity of assimilation and acculturation in US society. It’s not to bash, demonize, or “hate” on Asian Men.
Furthermore, I want to highlight the ugly side of decades and centuries of racism, discrimination, and negative stereotypes toward Asian Men. I also want to spotlight the hardship and struggles many Asian Men go through in order to survive, fit in, and succeed in the US. Last, I also want to emphasize the importance of mental health in every community, especially within the Asian American communities.
The majority of the thoughts and statements in this blog are either from my own experience as an Asian man or based on my observations of the Asian American communities. The rest are from my research, cited studies, and other people’s opinions.
During the filming of Coffee Talking Out of Mental Coffins, a documentary about my mental health journey as an immigrant, Q Le, the director, asked me an interesting question: “Why do Asian men, specifically the second generation of Asian American men, have so much rage and anger?”
This question stunned me because it rattled up memories and feelings that have always been there, but I’ve often brushed them aside.
She explained that she wanted to learn more about how the gender conditioning of Asian males intersects with their racial and cultural identities, especially the history of hyper-sexualizing Asian females and putting down Asian males. She had experienced and seen this rage from different Asian American men in her life; these men were her ex-boyfriends, mentors, and friends. These men presented themselves as progressive and “awoke,” but had some sort of anger toward women, specifically toward Asian women and the world. She just didn’t know why. She wanted to understand it better.
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Terminologies:
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Q’s curiosity and her experience sounded very familiar to me. I’d heard of this Asian Male Rage before. Working and interacting with hundreds of Asian male college students over a ten year period, I’ve seen the signs and symptoms of this rage. In fact, I myself have struggled with this rage in my 20s, and into my early 30s.
We got distracted during the filming and I had a night to ponder this question and sort through my thoughts. The following day, she asked me the same question again and this is what I shared with her.
If you watch the film, my facial expression and acknowledgment of this idea of rage seems calm, thoughtful, and straightforward. But in reality, I felt ashamed and vulnerable. I was embarrassed by the memories and what I’d done when I felt this Rage engulf me. It is the accumulation of anger caused by my internal depression and self-loathing, and the external pressure of social and cultural expectations and injustice. The Rage manifests in different forms, and unfortunately, this includes the people that I have hurt and stupid things that I have done due to this Rage.
This is what the Asian Male Rage looks like…
First, I had this anger toward the world, toward the people that I knew and didn’t know, my body, my surroundings, my job, my cooking, my feelings, my thoughts, and just overall my life. Since I didn’t know the causes of this anger, and I didn’t know how to channel this anger, I just turned the anger deeper within me. According to Freud, a cause of depression is when a person turns the anger inward.[ii] This partially explains why I experienced chronic and severe depression in my 20s.
Second, I was extremely passive aggressive. I would avoid direct and clear communication, even though there were so many things that rubbed me the wrong way and bothered me. In fact, I didn’t dare speak my mind and express my feelings in fear of opening the door for this anger to creep out.
Since I had difficulty saying “no” to requests, I would display a hostile attitude to make me as unapproachable as possible to the people around me (my boss, coworkers, friends). It was a defense mechanism that I used to express my unhappiness and disapproval.
I noticed that I was really good at giving backhanded compliments. But, probably due to my accent, people around me thought the comments were funny. In reality, I was aiming to insult them.
Of course, there was the silent treatment that I would give people. I would seek Pyrrhic victory instead of establishing understanding and finding resolutions. I would ignore people or if they asked me “what’s wrong?,” I would simply say “nothing.” Thinking back, partially I couldn’t find the words to say what I really wanted to say.
I’ve noticed that my family is very passive aggressive, so maybe I’ve learned some of the passive aggressive tendencies and behaviors from them.
Third, nothing made me happy. I had nihilistic and borderline suicidal thoughts and beliefs. The world was evil. Everyone was out there for themselves only and out there to get me. We human species were doomed. What was the point of life? The only thing that made me happy was puppies, kittens, and pandas.
Last, I internalized this anger by continuously suppressing it. The scariest thing is that I would repress the anger to the point that I was no longer able to hold it within. All of a sudden, one day this anger lashed out toward the people that were closest to me. The obvious poor victims of my anger were my exes, family members, and best friends. Then, I would be so ashamed and embarrassed of these outbursts. I feared that I wouldn’t be able to control this anger, so I would further isolate myself from people. This isolation meant that I wouldn’t allow myself to be close with people, build relationships, share my thoughts and feelings, open up, and be authentic. Thus, it was so much easier to make friends with strangers or people that just liked to drink and party, so I didn’t need to truly be myself.
Why did I have this Rage? Why do Asian Men have this Rage?
After years of soul searching, therapy sessions, and research, I’ve identified a number of causes for this rage in me and in other Asian men.
The first is the cultural identity crisis that most of us face and experience, also known as acculturation. This cultural identity crisis and its hardships involve the challenge of navigating within two different cultures and worlds. The 1.5 and 2nd generation Asian Americans are more prone to this challenge. In general, adolescent Asian American immigrants have higher levels of family acculturation conflict than Hispanic youth.[iii] Some studies have suggested that 2nd generation Asian Americans experience higher anxiety and depression compared to their Hispanic, non-Hispanic White, and African-American counterparts.[iv][v] I tend to agree that 2nd generation Asian Americans have this unique challenge and hardship more so than the first and third generation, but I am not saying that they have it worse than other generations.
The 1.5 and 2nd generation Asian Americans still have ties with their racial and cultural heritage primarily from their familial connections. In fact, a lot of these Asian Americans grew up in a traditional or semi-traditional household and their parents have imposed their own cultural beliefs and practices onto them.
At the same time, the majority of these 1.5 and 2nd generation Asian Americans are US citizens or permanent residents. The second-generation ones were born in the States and the 1.5’s moved to the States when they were very young. So, these 1.5 and 2nd generation Asian Americans are as American as any white and black American. Born and growing up in the American system, these young Asian Americans want to fit into the mainstream American culture. However, the Asian culture at home often conflicts with the mainstream American culture. These cultural clashes and differences often heighten anxiety and depression levels and create additional stress and burden on these Asian children.
An example, filial piety, and respecting elders are the core of almost all of the Asian cultures. This means that young Asians can’t talk back, raise their voice, and disagree with their parents and elders. On the other hand, having options, discussing and disagreeing with your parents, yelling and talking back to your parents in the dominant American culture are acceptable, sometimes encouraged. So, just imagine growing up with these two distinguished cultural dynamics, how young Asians are trapped between these confusing differences and the mental and emotional burdens that come with it.
Another example is that a lot of them believe that they need to give up and sacrifice their inherited beliefs and practices and behave like white or black people. I’ve seen a lot of my Asian friends that intentionally refuse to speak their parents’ language or eat their cultural food in order to fit into the mainstream American culture. Partially, this also has to do with centuries of historical racism and discrimination toward Asian men, which brings up the second reason.
At home, Asian parents pressure young Asians either to be more “Asian” or be more “American.” If we behave beyond Asian cultural norms, then our people and family call us “Banana” and say “you are not Asian enough.” Outside the household, people view and tell us that “we are not American enough.”
The second cause is the patriarchal culture we inherited. Overall, patriarchy is about the social relations of power between men and women, women and women, and men and men. It is a system for maintaining class, gender, racial, and heterosexual privilege, and the status quo of power.[vi]
Asian American men inherited centuries of male-dominated Confucianism tradition and structured patriarchal systems in our culture, community, and family. I grew up with very well-defined gender roles and a power structure between men and women. This structure heavily favored males.
So, what does it mean to be a man in our society? How we can reconcile the old cultural beliefs and practices with the new cultural norms? These are the question that I’ve asked myself for my whole life. I have to learn the difference between assertive vs. over-dominating, confident vs. arrogant, caring vs. overprotective, and strong vs being too macho. It has been very challenging to understand and balance these masculine traits in today’s society. At some point, it created additional stress in my life because I didn’t know what I should be. I wish there was a mentor or someone that would guide me.
Third, when it comes to mental health stigma, Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders are less likely to reach out for help than other races and ethnic groups.[vii] This may be due to faith and religious beliefs, cultural values and language barriers, lack of understanding or fear of the unknown, to name a few.
For my Asian brothers and sisters out there, here are a couple of phrases that you might be very familiar with when it comes to mental health, “I must be successful and cannot show signs of weakness,” “It’s a burden to share my emotions,” “I’m ungrateful for all I have,” “It’s disrespectful to my spiritual beliefs,” “I don’t know how to talk about mental health with my relatives and parents,” and “I’ve tried therapy before, and I didn’t find it helpful because my therapist didn’t understand my cultural background and struggles.”
Mental health stigmas and prejudices still exist in the United States, but for Asian Americans, the stigma is worse. Due to this stigma, it adds an extra layer of difficulty for us to share our thoughts, to voice frustration, and express our feelings. I am surprised that a lot of Asian people have told me that I am the first Asian man they know that’s so open to talking about mental health.
Many Asian cultures emphasize respecting elders, saving face, and knowing your place in the family. These can be good virtues, but what it also means is that it’s culturally unacceptable for us to speak out and openly share our thoughts. Maybe this is the reason that we are so passive aggressive.
On top of that, Asian men believe that they are not allowed to be vulnerable and talk about mental health. I was under this false belief for decades. I was afraid to talk about my anger. I didn’t have outlets to manage and release the anger. So, once this anger was at the boiling point, the anger would burst out like fire on gasoline: Rage.
I am a believer in talk-therapy because it’s one of many powerful tools and it can be a very important first step on the path of recovery and personal development. However, due to mental health stigma and the false belief that men can’t share feelings, we miss out on the opportunity to heal ourselves and talk about our struggles in a safe and private setting.
The fourth is racism and discrimination against Asian (Chinese) men, which can be dated all the way back to the 1860s when the Chinese came to the US to build the railroads. Racist terms and laws like the “Yellow Peril,” the Chinese Exclusion Action, model minority myth were specifically targeting Chinese/Asian men and women. If you don’t know these terms, it’s time for you to look them up.
These racist and discriminatory beliefs and practices are still prevalent in the American culture. In 2017, NPR and Harvard School Public Health found 27% of Asian Americans experienced discrimination in applying for jobs, 25% in being paid or promoted equally, and 35% personally experienced various forms of insensitive or offensive racial comments and assumptions. That’s about pretty much 1 in 3 or 1 in 4 of all American Asians.[viii]
Eleven percent of Asian American grade school students report being frequently targeted with race-related hate words than are reported by white students. With the available data from California and New York City public schools, even in the areas that are dominated by more Asians, Asian American middle school students experience verbal harassment and physical victimization more than other racial groups.[ix]
Last, no matter how American we are, it’s almost like we will never be considered American. I still remember when Dr. DJ Ida (my mentor and the Executive Director of NAAPIMHA) and I were in Nashville and people kept asking Dr. Ida “where you from?” even after she told them repeatedly that she was born and raised in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Ida is a 3rd generation Japanese American that can’t even speak any Japanese. Almost all the Asian people that I know have similar experiences.
What does it look like in real life?
Asian men are often the laughing stock of the media, TV shows, movies, and American culture. Here is a quote from Steve Harvey in 2017, “You like Asian men? … I don’t even like Chinese food, boy… I don’t eat what I can’t pronounce.”
Our names get made fun of because the dominant American lacks the linguistic skills and knowledge to pronounce them. So far in my life, unless someone has lived in Asia for an extensive period of time, not a single white person has correctly pronounced my real Chinese name, the one on my driver’s license, which is ok. I am unable to pronounce many words and names. But, you have no idea how often people make fun of my real name. On top of that, when we (immigrants) mispronounce certain English words, we often get looked down upon and mocked.
When it comes to food, I am very annoyed with how Asian cuisines become the laughing stock of the average American, including my friends. I do feel empathetic for their taste in food, always afraid of the textures and spices, but somehow I am the one that gets insulted.
Even nowadays, as adults, people still make fun of the Asian or non-American foods I eat. In the past, whenever I would eat fried rice, I would shy away from my white friends because I knew they would make some snarky and racial comments about it. The feeling was like Dave Chappelle’s Black People and Chicken standup, “All these years I thought I like chicken because it was delicious; but turns out, I am genetically predisposed to liking chicken, because I am black. When did eating chicken become racial?”
When the dominant American hears British or Australian accents, they often perceive those accents as sexy, sophisticated, and cool. But, when people hear Asian accents, the American view is that we are lower-class, immigrant, unattractive, etc.
When it comes to dating, Asian American males have been perceived as less attractive and deemed less desirable; this results in the Asian American male being sexually marginalized as adults. “I don’t date Asian men” and “Asian men are asexual” are common phrases I’ve heard my whole life.
Attraction is attraction. Love is love. However, centuries and decades of negative stereotypes toward Asian American men have caused these extreme and unhealthy biases. In fact, studies have shown that 90% of non-Asian women said they would not date an Asian man.
The author of Fresh Off the Boat, Eddie Huang’s response to Steve Harvey’s joke captures the essence and pain that many Asian American males experiences, including myself, “the one joke that still hurts, the sore spot that even my closest friends will press, the one stereotype that I still mistakenly believe at the most inopportune bedroom moments — is that women don’t want Asian men.”
The fifth cause is the overall physique. According to CDC, Asian men are roughly 3 inches shorter than their white and black counterparts.[x] Externally, this height difference puts a lot of Asian Americans at a disadvantage when it comes to sports and dating. The U.S. is a nation of sports, and athletes do get certain privileges and respect. However, due to Mother Nature’s choice, Asian Americans have a very slim chance in joining this elite club. When it comes to dating, how many times have you heard women say, “I only date tall guys?” Too many!
Internally, this height ratio difference did give me an inferiority complex. As superficial as height and appearance are, these physical traits do influence people’s self-esteem and confidence.
The sixth cause has to do with the population size. Even though Asian American and Pacific Islanders are the fastest growing racial group in the US, the population size is still smaller than other minority groups. Currently, there are about 21 million AAPIs, about 6% of the US population. Hispanics accounted for 16% and Blacks 13%.[xi]
Combining smaller population size and model minority myth, AAPIs are often forgotten and left on unnoticed, specifically when it comes to resources for healthcare, mental health, housing, immigration, workforce, and etc. Not all Asians are rich with Ivy League degrees. Like other demographic populations, a lot of AAPIs are experiencing poverty and poor health. This could be especially true for the Asian Americans that live in less populated cities and states.
Last, underneath all the previous reasons is the sense of losing of control and belonging. Belongingness shapes our thoughts and emotions. Absence of belonging leads to ill-effects to health.[xii] When I don’t feel that I belong anywhere or fit into a specific demographic, I am lost and confused.
This uncertainty generates a lot of fear. Fear creates anger and hate. For example, I’ve not experienced the homey feeling since I left Taiwan when I was nine years old. I spent a number of years of my childhood in the Bay Area and Los Angeles. I lived in Hawaii for two years and have been living in the Denver area for 15 years. Never once in any of these cities have I felt at home.
I have a lot of Asian, white, black, and Hispanic friends and different social circles, but I don’t feel like I fit into any of those groups. I am like a drifter that befriends people and camps all over the world because I can never find my home.
These feelings of loss and being unconnected are really scary. It left a big void in me for many years. And for the longest time, this void was filled with anger and resentments.
Combustion
So, combining all these internal and external reasons and adversities, there you have the Asian Male Rage. Just imagine that you are trying to figure out who you are, your place in this society, and your identity, but constantly getting bombarded with historical racism, discrimination, microaggressions for just being yourself as an Asian man. Along the way, you get more frustrated and angry because you find yourself at more disadvantages due to your looks and lack of representation. Since you don’t know how to express yourself or seek assistance, you bottle this anger deep inside you. From the pressure to fit in, to look perfect, to date, and to act like everything is ok, you cope by engaging in unhealthy lifestyles instead of addressing the real issues. As this anger grows, you continue shoving it deeper inside you and act like you are manly enough to handle this shit. You feel guilty feeling this way, so you continue refusing to talk about it. As you continue experiencing exhaustion, burn out, and get fed up from your work, from your fake relationships, and your life, you spiral down in this hopeless depression and/or anxiety. When your friends or partner ask “what’s bothering you” or “are you ok,” you simply reply “I’m fine!” Then, one day from out of nowhere, maybe something very minor triggers you and you unleash this Rage all at once like a mad beast. Soon afterward, you feel extremely embarrassed and ashamed because you have hurt someone you love and you’ve betrayed yourself, the self that you had believed and promised you’d be manly and strong enough to solve all of these problems.
I was trapped in this cycle of misery for a decade and I would go through it every 3 to 5 years. As an Asian man, this struggle is real. I battled this pretty much in my 20s and early 30s. Even nowadays, I still feel this Rage boiling inside me. As I am getting mature, I’ve learned to manage, control, and channel this Rage. Here are the helpful tools that I’ve used:
What can we do?
I’ve invested a lot of time in defining and redefining my cultural identities. I literally ask myself how Asian and American I want to be. During the process, I realize that I can be whatever I want to be. So, I block all the social expectations and cultural pressures and start picking and choosing the parts of Asian and American traits, philosophy, and cultural practices that I feel most connected to and that I like. Once I know which cultural traits and practices I like, I fully embrace them, I am proud of them, and never look back.
Here is an example. I love drinking tea, but I really dislike the traditional Chinese and Japanese teacup portions. Traditional Chinese and Japanese teacups are small, like about 3 oz. I find drinking tea from a 3 oz. cup really annoying. At the same time, I love big-o-American mugs. So, I boil good quality Chinese tea leaves and pour the tea into a big beer glass. And, sometimes I put ice in the tea to cool it off fast, which is pretty much sacrilegious in Chinese tradition…lol.
Another example is that I always enjoyed speaking Mandarin. When I was younger, I would feel embarrassed to talk Mandarin in public fearing people would think that I am a foreigner or FOB. But now, I speak Mandarin whenever I get a chance. If I meet a Chinese speaking person at an airport or conference, I openly speak Mandarin to that person without fearing people’s stupid stares.
Along these lines, I’ve also spent a lot of time defining and redefining the meaning of masculinity. One thing I know is that chauvinism and patriarchal belief and behaviors don’t suit me. These macho traits have caused a lot of suffering in our world. So, instead, I learn to be confident not cocky, assertive not dominating, and caring not possessive.
This Rage ultimately is a form of energy within our body. I’ve learned to transform this Rage energy into my life passion, purpose, and vision. We are what we focus on. I’ve been redirecting this Rage toward fighting for and advocating mental health awareness and removing the stigma behind mental health. Along this line, I refuse to play the blaming game and being a victim. I recognize and acknowledge the disadvantages and discriminations that exist in this country toward Asian men and me. Yes, it’s an uphill battle, but I refuse to let these things pull me back and discourage me from striving and reaching for my dreams.
I was fortunate that I had a great therapist that helped me to understand my Rage. My therapist was there to listen and support me. I was able to articulate and express my anger and frustration. By simply talking and sharing my thought and feelings a bit at a time on a regular basis, my anger had valves to disperse its energy and was no longer bottled up and accumulating.
Also, I stopped believing the “men don’t cry” and “men don’t share their feelings” mentality. I believe that a truly strong man will be able to be vulnerable and assertive at the same time.
I avoid putting people down and putting them into derogatory categories and slurs. I try to recognize and understand the complexity, the gray areas between cultural and racial identities. I used to make these comments to make myself feel better. What I learned is that even though I feel temporarily good about myself, in reality, I am feeding this negativity to my anger and ego, and making the anger stronger.
Let’s support each other. In the past, I would get jealous of more successful Asian men and look down upon the less successful ones. I felt like I had to compete with them. So, now instead of feeling threatened and competing with others, my motto is to offer my support whenever I can and learn from them.
Exercise is a healthy outlet to balance and release the energy behind the anger. I started training and running for marathons during my late 20s and early 30s in the midst of my severe depression. On average, every day I would run about 5 miles a day. On top of running, I did a lot of weights, stretching, and other toning.
I stopped watching the news, specifically TV news. This simple lifestyle change has helped to stop exposing a lot of negative information to my anger which is like adding to my Rage dried pieces of kindling and tinder.
Last, I practice daily gratitude toward the world and myself. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of a simple gratitude practice. Every day, there are things going well in our life, but we either take these experiences for granted or we forget about them. We’ve also achieved so much in our lives, but due to shame and self-loathing, we rarely acknowledge these accomplishments. Gratitude helps me to defuse the source of my anger and move away from the victim mentality and develop a sense of inner accountability with my life.
Conclusion
After years of acknowledging and sorting through my Rage, I’ve a better understanding and control over it. This Rage is still inside me, but it’s more subdued and it’s definitely transforming. This is my first time writing about this Rage, exploring Asian male masculinity in relation to mental health and cultural identities, and being open about it.
It’s definitely a work in progress, and I am eager to hear your experiences. So, please let me know your thoughts!
[i] Asher, C. (2011). “The progressive past: How history can help us serve generation 1.5”. Reference & User Service Quarterly, 51(1). 43–48
[ii] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201710/the-role-anger-in-depression
[iii] Tsia-Chae, Amy & Nagata, Donna K. Asian Values and Perceptions of Intergenerational Family Conflict Among Asian American Students. American Psychological Association. 2018
[iv] Zhu, Lin. Depression Risks and Correlates among Different Generations of Chinese Americans. Social Sciences.
[v] Ying, Yu-Wen. Depressive Symptomatology among Chinese-American as Measured. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 1988.
[vi] https://www.api-gbv.org/about-gbv/our-analysis/patriarchy-power/
[vii] https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/July-2019/Why-Asian-Americans-and-Pacific-Islanders-Don-t-go-to-Therapy
[viii] https://www.npr.org/2017/12/06/568593799/poll-asian-americans-see-individuals-prejudice-as-big-discrimination-problem
[ix] https://www.apa.org/pi/oema/resources/ethnicity-health/asian-american/bullying-and-victimization
[x] https://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/health/ct-hlth-adults-height-weight-20181220-story.html
[xi] https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2017/09/08/key-facts-about-asian-americans/
[xii] Pink, Daniel. “When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing.” 2018
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