Numbness

“I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes…

… Can’t you see that you’re smothering me
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
‘Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I’ve become so numb
I can’t feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I’m becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you…”

– “Numb” by Linkin Park

In the past, during intense or crisis situations, people would tell me that I was stoic, expressionless, or emotionless. One of my former bosses even accused me of not caring because I wasn’t showing any emotions such as distress, nervousness, agitation, or excitement before an important meeting or during a usually stressful situation. Looking back, I was not devoid of emotions (I wish I was). In fact, I was heavily impacted by all sorts of negative emotions and bombarded with anxiety, fear, and distress. I appeared deadpan because I could not afford to experience an emotional breakdown. With all of the childhood traumas that I had undergone and the severe depression that I lived through most of my life, I was always one camel straw away from a complete emotional breakdown. Since I didn’t have any social or familial safety net, I had to hold myself together at all costs. So, I held myself together by learning to suppress my sadness, happiness, anxiety, depression, excitement, and whatever natural emotions that a young man might have. Throughout this long history of repressing my emotions, I was so good at hiding my feelings that I succumbed to the void of being dispassionate. I became the numbness.

The numbness in my life dulled my senses and overall well-being. I maintained this numbness for the sanity of my own mental health, at the same time I was trapped in the cage of this numbness. I wanted to break free, to feel alive, or at least feel something. Due to my trauma, fear, anxiety, and depression, I didn’t know how. Thus, the cycle of misery continued.

Fast forward to the present day. Some of the most common feedback I receive from my public speaking clients and theater performance audiences is that I always appear very calm and confident when speaking and acting. When my neighbor asked me if I am nervous the night before an important speech, I tell her that I am fine and not really feeling anything. Of course, the reality is that I always have the butterfly feelings in my stomach before I speak or act, in-person or virtually.

When I tell my neighbor that “I am not nervous,” it is not because I am an astonishing speaker/actor or because I’ve mastered my anxiety and figured it all out. It’s often because I need this nervousness to a certain extent, and I thrive in this tension.

Through years of trial and error, what I’ve discovered about myself is that somehow when I speak and act or perform in front of people, I truly feel alive. This feeling of aliveness and excitement resembles an innocent and naïve childishness along with a youthful excitement about life, my surroundings, and the future. It’s one of the very few things that I can do to break away from my numbness.  Besides Lola dog, this sentiment is probably the closest I get to knowing what true happiness is. Thus, the nervousness of speaking in front of hundreds of people is part of the process and experience for me to feel alive and free.

As you can see, to a certain extent, what I have shared so far can be contradicting and oxymoronic. How can the two opposite mental/emotional health conditions of numbness and excitement coexist? I think I know, but I don’t really know. What I know is that we humans often live in contradictions and thrive in divergence, despite the awful feelings that come with it. The more I learn about myself, I realize that I need to be more forgiving and comfortable living with contradictions, and even welcome them as part of my growth and healing process.

Image by: 愚木混株 Cdd20 from Pixabay