How Do You Man UP? Seven Ways to Man UP!

HOW DO YOU MAN UP? SEVEN WAYS TO MAN UP!

This blog is inspired by a conversation I had with one of my readers, a male immigrant who has lived in the U.S. for decades. He asked during our discussion, “How do you actually man up?” This blog is my attempt to answer that question, drawing from my own experiences as a man. It presents general perspectives on men, primarily focusing on heterosexual men and their mental health challenges.

From a young age, I was often told to “man up” whenever I tried to express my feelings. No matter the cultural background, most men receive similar messages and are conditioned to suppress their emotions in favor of appearing strong and stoic. Across the board, we’ve been taught that emotional expression is a weakness. Here are some of the familiar phrases many of us hear often, from both men and women:

• “Don’t think too much.”
• “You’re overreacting.”
• “Just get over it.”
• “Stop crying.”
• “Don’t be such a girl.”
• “Just focus on your studies.”
• “Work harder and everything will be fine.”
• “You’re being ungrateful and complaining too much.”
• “You’re too emotional for a man.”
• “We don’t talk about this here.”

Have you noticed the majority of these statements are negative and deficient. Meaning, these terms tell men what NOT to do. In reality and looking back, no one ever taught us how to express ourselves. No one ever told us or taught us exactly how to “man up.”

Imagine being told from a young age not to cry or show vulnerability. Over time, we internalize the idea that expressing emotions is a sign of weakness. As a result, we adopt a façade of emotional control, masking our true feelings. Whenever we experience sadness, happiness, fear, or insecurity, we suppress it, pushing these emotions deep into our psyche and body—like trying to shove a beach ball underwater—while pretending everything is fine.

As men grow older, the suppression of emotions becomes more pronounced due to societal expectations that equate masculinity with stoicism, strength, and emotional restraint. This often manifests in everyday phrases like “I’m fine” or “I can handle it,” when in reality, many men are struggling internally. To avoid confronting their emotions, men often channel their feelings into more “socially acceptable” outlets, such as anger, physical activity, or work. Rather than expressing sadness or grief, they may lash out in frustration, or immerse themselves in excessive work or hobbies—like drinking, gadgets, cars, video games, or sports. While these outlets might offer temporary relief, they ultimately prevent men from addressing the underlying emotional issues. By suppressing their true emotions, men avoid vulnerability, reinforcing the notion that masculinity means being tough and in control at all times.

The consequences of suppressing emotions are far-reaching. Emotional repression can lead to mental health challenges, such as anxiety, depression, or substance abuse, as men search for ways to cope with unresolved feelings. Moreover, it can strain personal relationships, as men may struggle to connect with others on an emotional level. While society may reward men for appearing strong and invulnerable, the long-term effects of emotional suppression can erode their sense of well-being, making it crucial to encourage healthier emotional expression and vulnerability.

Personally, I don’t believe men are biologically wired to be expressionless or emotionless; it is due to a long history of social conditioning. I still remember the first time my therapist told me, fifteen years ago, that it’s okay to feel and express my emotions. She said that, as a man, I could openly share my mental health struggles and feelings. I was dumbfounded, yet it was also eye-opening, relieving, and validating. Dumbfounded, because no one had ever told me this before. Eye-opening, because I saw hope. Relieved, because I realized I no longer had to be a victim of unhealthy masculinity. And validated, because deep down, I had always known something was off about the way men had been taught—and I wanted to break that cycle.

So, how exactly can men “man up” in a positive and healthy way? How can we break the cycle of unhealthy masculinity?

Intrinsically, “manning up” isn’t a bad concept. I believe men do need to “man up” as part of our growth, especially in today’s rapidly changing society. The key is learning how to “man up” in a healthier, more constructive way.

Men are solution-oriented. We feel compelled to act because it gives us a sense of purpose. Even when we’re lost or uncertain, there’s an internal pressure to find answers. Additionally, we often force ourselves to provide the most logical and rational response. Why? It’s rooted in centuries of cultural programming that equates manhood with being reasonable and sensible at all times. However, studies by Nobel Prize-winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman and Gallup research have shown that 70-to-90% of men’s decision-making is influenced by emotions. In reality, we tend to feel first before we think or react. One way to “man up” is to openly recognize and accept that men are emotional, and that it’s completely okay to embrace this aspect of ourselves.

Men want to be right. Men often feel the need to be right all the time, a tendency rooted in historical expectations that label men as breadwinners. We want to do what’s best for our families and friends, and the male traits of caring and providing are indeed honorable. Unfortunately, many men conflate this virtuous act of providing with an arrogant sense of superiority, creating the false perception that men are better than women. This mindset leads to sexism, chauvinism, and even abusive behaviors. It also fosters unhealthy competition among men, driving us to “one-up” each other, which can manifest in aggressive or violent acts.

To “man up,” we must nurture the breadwinner mentality with gratitude and humility. Gratitude encourages us to move beyond the cycle of comparing ourselves to our partners and other men and instead learn to appreciate one another. Humility reminds us that we can be both right and wrong simultaneously. Ultimately, we should learn to accept our weaknesses, viewing them not as defects, but as integral parts of being human.

Men are stubborn. Men can be quite stubborn, often finding comfort in rigid routines and fixed ways of thinking. We typically resist change. This stubbornness may stem from the societal expectation for men to be decisive, in control, and action-oriented. While these traits can be positive, many men struggle to differentiate between being in control and being stubborn.

Being in control means recognizing challenges, understanding their causes, and developing solutions while balancing our emotions and impulses. In contrast, stubbornness reflects an unwillingness to change, often rooted in an inability to regulate inner feelings such as fear, insecurity, and low self-esteem.

To “man up” is to learn to let go and be flexible. This can be daunting for men, even if few would admit it. One way I practice flexibility is by shaking up my daily and weekly schedule. I love my routines, but once a month, I intentionally rearrange my plans and do the opposite of what I had intended. This practice keeps me on my toes and helps me become more comfortable with unpredictability and discomfort. As a result, when I need to adapt to last-minute changes, I’m better equipped to manage my inner resistance.

Men want/need to do everything. In centuries past, communities were more communal, and gender roles were clearly defined. The phrase “It takes a village to raise a child” reflects how men were typically responsible for tasks like manual labor, warfare, and family protection. Today, especially in the U.S., we live in more isolated, nuclear family units, requiring men to take on multiple and additional roles, such as caregiving, household chores, being a good partner, and maintaining emotional availability—all while still being the breadwinner and protector.

These additional responsibilities can be taxing and overwhelming, as this is relatively new and often uncharted territory. The societal expectation is that “these are men, they can and should figure it out,” and men, being stubborn and wanting to be right all of the time, are too prideful to ask for help. Consequently, some either engage only half-heartedly in their roles or give up entirely, contributing to an identity crisis—one of the major causes of mental health challenges.

To “man up,” we must intentionally and actively redefine male gender roles at an individual level. This involves investing time in unlearning the harmful aspects of traditional masculinity and relearning what it means to be a man in today’s society. This process will take time and effort. Men need to encourage each other to unlearn and relearn, engaging in conversations beyond just sports, guns, cars, women, and video games. We need to foster deeper discussions about our experiences and challenges.

Men don’t say what they really want to say. Men often struggle to express what they truly want to say. We might say the “wrong thing” because we don’t know how to articulate our thoughts, are unsure of what to say, or sometimes act out of frustration. The reality lies somewhere in between. Many men have important things to share, but feel socially programmed to withhold their true feelings, fearing repercussions like upsetting a partner by not saying the “right” thing. As a result, we train ourselves to suppress our emotions, including joy, and keep everything bottled up.

The problem with bottling up emotions is that, sooner or later, pressure will build and cause the bottle to pop—often at the most inconvenient moments (Murphy’s Law). When this happens, men may lash out in aggression (as seen in bar fights), turn to substances like alcohol, withdraw into isolation, or engage in risky behaviors.

To “man up,” we need to let it out. Instead of releasing everything all at once, try expressing feelings in smaller, manageable doses. Finding a trusted friend or family member to share our thoughts and emotions with can be both relieving and healing. Address these feelings before they grow into overwhelming beasts that can no longer be controlled.

Men are picky. Men are often picky about who they open up to. We tend to talk about deeper issues only with certain people we feel a strong connection with, and these bonds form in different ways. Veterans, for example, often have unique connections with each other, which is why places like the American Legion exist. The same can be said for men who share similar experiences with each other, such as attending the same college, working in the same profession, supporting the same sports team, or sharing a hobby.

Another reason men are selective is that many of us have been burned before. At some point, we’ve opened up about our mental or emotional health, only to be shut down, ridiculed, or made to feel emasculated. When this happens, it hurts deeply. As a result, we become cautious about sharing our struggles and often suppress our pain.

To truly “man up,” we first need to recognize, acknowledge, and accept the pain we’ve experienced from these rejections. From there, we can work on widening our bandwidth for connection. It’s great to have those special bonds with certain people, and nurturing those relationships is important. But what happens when those people aren’t available anymore, whether due to distance or a life change like moving or starting a family? Broadening our connections and being open to forming new ones can help us improve our mental health and ensure we have a wider support system when we need it.

Another way to “man up” is by being that man for others. When others try to ridicule or tear down men for expressing their mental or emotional health struggles, stand up for them. Be an advocate and support those men. It’s not just about defending them from criticism; it’s about creating a safe, courageous space for them to be vulnerable.

One of the most powerful things to do is actively listen. Often, men don’t need advice—they just need a space to vent and feel heard. Simply acknowledging and validating their experiences can show them that these emotions are important and that it’s okay to express them. This kind of support can be transformative, helping break down the stigma around men and mental health.

Men like to talk shit. Men often engage in banter, driven by a biological competitive nature that compels us to appear tough, especially around other men and women. Rooted in our ancestral tribal past, this instinct was about protecting our tribe and positioning ourselves to attract mates. Today, this protective nature can manifest as putting others down, creating a false sense of superiority. I still remember holding my dog Lola like a baby in front of my male friends; they would jokingly call me “gay.” Or when I would decline a whiskey shot, they’d question my manliness. These comments are not just annoying, they are disrespectful and toxic.

To “man up,” we need to distinguish between talking shit and shit-talking. Talking shit involves belittling or disparaging others to boost your own ego, while shit-talking allows for friendly rivalry and camaraderie grounded in mutual respect. In fact, shit-talking can be one of the best ways for men to bond, especially in Western cultures.

One time, while in Oaxaca, Mexico, I was with my friend from Mexico City. We met a Californian man named Bob, who was about twenty years older than me. Despite the age difference, Bob and I hit it off right away, exchanging playful banter and jokes.

As the day went on, my friend became upset with me, pointing out that given my Asian heritage which emphasizes respecting elders, it was disrespectful to joke around with someone older. I tried to explain the American male social dynamic to her, but she struggled to understand. I even mentioned that I admired Bob for raising his three children on his own, and that he was always respectful when ordering at bars and restaurants.

The next day, when we hung out with Bob again, I felt compelled to apologize in front of my friend. I said, “Hey Bob, I’m sorry if I offended you.” Bob looked at me bewildered and replied, “Are you okay? Are you dying? What the hell is wrong with you?”

These are my “man-up” suggestions. If you have any additional tools or insights to share, I would love to hear them!

Photo by Anne Nygard .