Losses and Tributes

July has been a tough month the last couple of years.  July this year is the 2^nd anniversary of my mother’s passing.  Last July, a dear friend of mine lost her brother.  And this July, I lost one of the most important people in my life.  To respect this person’s and her family’s privacy, I’ll leave her real name out and refer to her as Angel.

For almost 10 years, Angel was the bedrock of my life.  She believed and supported me at every single turn consistently and nonstop.  When no believed in me and abandoned me, she was always there.  She was the one behind my inspirations, strengths, and courage.  She taught me and helped me to manage my depression, anxiety, and fear.  She assisted me in overcoming numerous obstacles and traumas in my life and from my childhood.

Angel suffered from pancreatic cancer.  During her week at home before entering the hospice, she was so ill and barely spent more than 30 minutes seeing family members.  Despite the pain she was in, she still spent an hour on the phone with me just 2 days prior to hospice.  I learned all about this afterwards at the hospice.  To date, losing her is probably the hardest thing that I have to deal with in my life.  But, I am forever grateful for her!  I am aspiring to be like her.  All I can say is, “THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!”

I am still learning how to handle the losses in my life.  I have known a number of people that have lost significant ones in their life and are able to get back on their feet, making the world a better place, and there are others submerged in their sorrows, who couldn’t let it go.  I don’t believe there is “one way” to deal with losses.  But, I know that the ultimate goal for me is to be at peace with myself with the loss of my mother and Angel.  So far these are the practices I have used to handle the grief and heal myself.

1. I try to give myself the permission to feel sad, lonely, fearful, and lost. This is hard because I don’t like feeling weak, emotional, and vulnerable.  And, I have to battle the noise behind my head that keeps saying I need to “man up” and “get over it.”  However, this step is crucial because instead of suppressing my natural emotions and reactions to death, I need to learn to embrace those feelings and understand them.

2. I try my best not to blame myself for others, and I try not to direct anger toward myself or others. I think this is the pitfall that proceeds getting swelled up in guilt.  Instead, I try not to give any more meaning to these losses, and I practice affirmations in my head that  tell me:

• “Death is normal and natural.”
• “I am glad they are not suffering anymore.”
• “Yeah it sucks, but when a door closes, another one opens.”
• “I have done all I could, no need to blame myself and feel guilty.”
• “Life goes on. They would want me to live out the best of my life.”

3. I would take time off for myself and tell myself its ok to do that, even though I would feel very guilty about it. I would go on walks and hikes by myself and spend more time reading, meditating, and writing in my journal.  In other words, I would continue practicing my daily routines and add on more self-care, so I can be as grounded as possible.

4. I don’t know how healthy this is, but I would dive into my work as a way to keep myself busy. I do love my work.

5. Last, I know that giving to and helping others is one of the best ways to heal and improve oneself. I am still learning how to balance this.  Because a big part of me just wants to be alone unless I have to attend a meeting or give a talk.  Helping others requires some form of socialization and I just don’t know if I have enough energy to do that.

These are my methods for dealing with loss and I am still learning how to handle it.  So, how do you deal with losses in your life?  I want to hear and learn from you.  If you are comfortable, I welcome your story and journey.