“Things are going so well like the stars are all aligned! This is too good to be true. I don’t want to jinx it, but I just hope that this ‘luck’ will last as long as it can and doesn’t go away.” Does this sound familiar?
This is one of the fears that I’ve experienced my whole life. A feeling of relief that I am finally catching a break from my depressive and miserable life, but I know it’s temporary. Once this “luck” is gone, I don’t know when the next time I do well and feel good will happen again, probably never. I am convinced I will crash and burn and have to face my depressive and unhappy life one more time.
Here is an example: I am stuck in this dead-end job. Out of the blue, my friend refers me to a friend that is hiring. I show up for an interview and it goes very well. I get asked to return for a second interview the following week. The next day, I receive an interview request from a different company. Even better, this girl I ask out actually shows up for our date. And I finally go back to the gym after 3 months of absence, have a great workout and feel amazing. AND it happens to be my good friend’s birthday, so we have a fun night out. Omg, THIS week couldn’t get any better; I am so lucky. I am pumped and excited about life. But deep inside I am afraid that this good-feeling-luck will be easily taken away from me anytime. So, I don’t allow myself to feel too joyful or get used to this happy feeling because I don’t want to be crushed by disappointment and have to pick myself back up again. The result of this mindset is I never dare to enjoy my life and these happy experiences. Instead, I continue worrying and I continue to be anxious about the next misstep and danger that is just around the corner.
Monday comes around. I get yelled at by my boss for a stupid mistake I have made. The following day, I go in for the second interview and I totally tank; I don’t hear back from other recruiters either. The girl never replies for a second date. All my friends are busy or out-of-town, so I have no one to hang out with. I try to go to the gym, but the gym is too “crowded.” Now, I am back to my helpless and depressive life. I wish my luck would have lasted longer or that I didn’t have it in the first place. And I just knew the previous week’s events were too good to be true.
I found I was trapped in this illusion and this life for decades. I thought my life consisted of constant ups-and-downs with no end in sight (graphic 1). I was powerless and a victim of external circumstances. My luck was not of my own doing and my life was beyond my control. My happiness was dependent upon external factors, like the leniency of employers, the availability of my friends, mercy of girls’ interests, weather, and party-related activities. In reality, I was so insecure, lost, and purposeless with my life. I had some vague dreams and goals, but I was too afraid to even acknowledge them because I didn’t think that I was good enough to pursue them. Thus, deep inside, I wished that there was a magic pill that I could take and solve all my miseries and depressions. I wished “someone” would save me, inspire me, tell me what to do with my life, and give me all the answers.
I was finally able to break away from this self-perpetuating cycle when I accepted that I was 100% responsible for my own wellbeing and happiness. Rationally and intellectually, I had always known this, but it didn’t do anything for me. It was only when I became committed to investing in my own personal growth and development, realizing that the only path to improving my mental health and overall quality of life was to look within myself. Below, I have included a couple of tools, practices, and reflections that I have used to take control of my life.
Focus on You – I started by asking myself the following questions. These questions helped me to redirect my attention away from the external distractions that I don’t have control over, back to the things that I do have control of…which is ME.
1. “What are the little things in my life that make me truly content without relying on other people’s approval or external circumstances?” This question forces me to reflect back on my interests and hobbies without worrying about pleasing others. I start small like my childhood hobbies, cooking, reading, short hikes by myself, etc.
2. “Scrape away all the social expectations, rules, and limitations for a second and ask myself: what do I really want?” Social expectations program us to think and function in a certain way. For example, we have to go to college between the ages of 18 to 22, get an 8 am to 5 pm job, buy a big house, drive a fancy car, get married, have kids, live in the suburbs, buy a big screen TV, use credit cards to buy things and be in debt, barbecue in the summertime, eat turkey at Thanksgiving, omelet for breakfast, no ice-cream before dinner, etc. SO, this question forces me to take a big step back and reflect on whether I even like to do any of these things. If I had more choices, what would I do instead?
3. “What do I really want to accomplish in my life and what is the ideal lifestyle that I want?” I think only when you can temporarily remove yourself from social expectations, can you slowly peel away the irrational fears that are deep inside your consciousness and discover what you really want. I learned that I never really wanted to have a big house and fancy car. The reason I wanted those things was that I was told they represent success. What I really wanted was a simple apartment and a safe car, and to invest my resources toward traveling internationally.
Daily Gratitude – I can’t emphasize enough the importance of a simple gratitude practice in our lives. Every day, there are things going well in your life, but we either take these experiences for granted or we forget about them. No matter what stage of life or growth you are currently in, you have come a long way, so remember to appreciate yourself, too. These simple, regular daily appreciation practices can dispel the belief that our life always sucks and that we need some magical luck to have a better life. Also, gratitude helps us to move away from the victim mentality and develop a sense of inner accountability for our life.
Learn to Be Alone – Whether you are single, in a relationship, and/or have roommates, learn to be by yourself. Travel or go on a hike by yourself, if the conditions are safe. Go on a walk by yourself or try to eat out by yourself. I’ve traveled to 38 states in the U.S. and a number of different countries. Eating out in the US is so convenient and easy. Being alone with yourself forces you to be present with yourself, which can really build up your inner strength and independence.
Let Passion Increase Your Energy – The more you focus on what you love to do and stop paying attention and engaging in the things you dislike, I guarantee the happier you will be. A simple example is that I love and enjoy learning and listening to people’s personal development, business growth, and success and failure stories. So, instead of keeping the radio on while I am driving, listening to the news, or watching TV, I listen to educational podcasts. Just by changing and developing this new small habit, I have noticed that I am more content and have a positive outlook.
Be Patience with Yourself – I was inspired to write this piece because of a conversation I had with my friend Tiffany. Tiffany is currently working on overcoming this exact fear. And as she was sharing her stories, I recognized the pattern of suddenly feeling lucky at one moment, but so afraid that it would disappear at any time. Reflecting back on my personal growth, it took years of support from my therapist and inner self-help to recognize, acknowledge, and overcome this fear. At first, the growth might have been slow and painful, but I kept at it. The more time and energy I put into improving myself, the healthier and happier I am. At this stage of my life, my worst point is still better than the best place in my life 3 years ago (graphic 2).
Last, I do believe in some sort of unexplainable coincidence or luck. However, it’s like the famous saying of Seneca, a Roman philosopher, “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.” Luck only works when we are mentally, emotionally, and intellectually ready and prepared. The only way we can be ready is through devoted work and experiences. Then, when opportunity and luck present themselves, we can catch them and make the best of them.
Do you have a similar experience? I would love to hear about it.
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