From Self-Loathing to Self-Celebration

FROM SELF-LOATHING TO SELF-CELEBRATION

““You’ve survived too much to ever doubt your worth again.”

— Unknown

A few weeks ago, I did something wildly outside my comfort zone and completely off-script from my usual patterns. I celebrated myself.

Even though I’ve always held myself to a high standard, pushed hard, and reached milestones I never imagined in both my personal and professional life, I’ve never actually celebrated any of it, not my achievements, not my progress, not even my own birthday.

That absence of celebration comes from a lifelong habit of tearing myself down. A self-hate mindset that became so familiar it felt like home. For decades, the internal dialogue looped:

• • “I’m not good enough.”
  • “I’m not smart enough.”
  • “I’m such a failure.”
  • “I’m not worth it.”
  • “I’m not good-looking enough.”
  • “No one gives a shit about me.”

No matter how much I accomplished, the self-loathing part of me insisted I still wasn’t enough. My ambition wasn’t fueled by joy, passion, or purpose; it was driven by harsh self-judgment and a profoundly negative view of myself.

Take Storytelling Theater as an example. Three years ago, I finally secured a contract to utilize educational theater as a means of advocating for mental health in Asian communities. It was my dream project. It took a decade, six failed applications, and an unreasonable amount of persistence to get there.

I was fortunate to assemble a team of six incredible actors, a coordinator, and a playwright, and to collaborate with some of the most dedicated Asian nonprofit leaders. Together, we pulled off the impossible: fifteen performances at fifteen community centers in just a year and a half.

I assumed this project would finally make me feel fulfilled. I expected it to lift me. To heal me.
But the truth? The happiness lasted only minutes.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of my team and grateful for every community partner. But deep inside, I still felt hollow. Something was missing.

And guess what rushed in to fill that hollowness? The same old chorus of self-hate:

• • “I made too many mistakes. I don’t deserve this success.”
  • “This isn’t even impressive compared to what others have done.”
  • “I don’t deserve to work with these amazing people. They should work with someone smarter, better, more qualified.”

So instead of celebrating or sharing the success with friends, I did what I always do: buried myself back in work. Long hours. More contracts. More hustle. More chasing validation.

And the cycle repeated itself.

Eventually, I couldn’t ignore it anymore. The burnout, the emotional numbness, and the exhaustion were becoming a pattern and were destroying my mental health. I needed to break the cycle. I needed to learn how to celebrate myself.

So, I asked myself: *What is one “small” but profound thing I’ve never acknowledged, something that deserves love and recognition? Immediately, my immigration journey came to mind.

I spent most of my life battling immigration. Although I grew up in the United States, it took me 27 years to obtain my green card and 31 years to become a U.S. citizen.

It was an excruciating, demoralizing, and unbelievably stressful and painful process. I wouldn’t have survived it without Dr. DJ Ida, my former therapist, Dr. Lisa Strober, my immigration attorney, and a handful of close friends.

I know many immigrants who never “made it,” meaning people who remained undocumented, got stuck in the system, or were forced to leave the country.

Since gaining permanent residency, I’ve had access to opportunities I only dreamed of. My professional success and even my ability to travel freely depend on that legal status. The brutal immigration war I fought and won deserves to be honored and thanked for.

A few months ago, for the first time ever, I chose to celebrate my citizenship. Additionally, given today’s hateful and dehumanizing policies targeting immigrants, especially Brown and Asian immigrants, celebrating felt like an act of defiance and a reminder that we are robust, resilient, and worthy.

I picked a random date and sent out invitations to a dozen of my close friends. As the loyal companion of my old habit of unconsciously self-sabotaging and internal resistance, I purposely sent out the invitation only two weeks prior, hoping the short notice would guarantee no RSVP, thereby allowing me to ignore it. Additionally, for those two weeks, I mentally drafted a dozen excuses to cancel the whole thing.

But then the day came. On Saturday, November 15, I sat at a local brewery with half a dozen friends who showed up just for me. Sitting there on that stool, I felt awkward with a deeply unfamiliar experience of being celebrated. But I also noticed something new was changing.

I welcomed the sensitivity. I didn’t criticize myself. I didn’t spiral into self-loathing. I didn’t hate myself. Instead, my body and mind finally began learning how to fill the hollowness with gratitude, fulfillment, and peace.

For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to experience joy instead of running from it.