Learning to Grieve

by | Sep 3, 2025 | Mental Health, Self-Improvement

LEARNING TO GRIEVE

Grief is an innate human experience. Yet, it’s something that people often don’t like to discuss or don’t know how to process.

Traditionally, grief is defined as deep sorrow associated with death. The way I define grief encompasses changes, both positive and negative.

Examples of negative changes include:

    • Declining health
    • A breakup or divorce
    • Family conflict
    • The end of a friendship
    • Changes in hobbies and interests
    • Unwanted relocation
    • Job loss
    • Organizational restructuring
    • economic uncertainty

Examples of positive changes include:

    • Adopting a healthier lifestyle
    • Receiving a promotion and a raise
    • Starting a business
    • Running a new project
    • Buying a first home
    • Checking out a new restaurant or bar
    • Beginning a new hobby
    • Creating a new art project
    • Starting a family
    • visiting a new country

All of these transitions, both the positive and negative, can stir up stress, anxiety, and a whole mix of emotions.

It’s natural to have these feelings, and people need time and space to grieve. Unfortunately, in the fast-paced world we live in, societal expectations and norms often discourage people from expressing their grief. In the US, the average employee receives approximately three days of bereavement leave. Afterward, they are expected to return to work and resume their regular duties as if nothing had happened.

On top of this, unhealthy social expectations dismiss people’s grief. Phrases like these are common:

    • “It has been six months already, why are you still talking about it!”
    • “At least you can focus on your work or life now!”
    • “Life goes on. You have to get back to normal.”
    • “Talking about it won’t change anything.”
    • “Why are we still talking about this?”
    • “You should be over this by now!”
    • “Stop dwelling on the past.”
    • “Others have it worse.”
    • “It was God’s will.”

As a society, we lack a cultural norm that respects both celebrating and mourning changes. We want to move on quickly. Additionally, I believe the many people who have experienced grief have never been taught to talk about or process it, so they don’t know how to deal with loss or change. Thus, when someone shares their transitions, both positive and negative, they may feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed, and simply shut down. Their default response becomes dismissiveness. This has been true in my own experience with grief.

Across cultures, rituals of grief remind us that mourning is not meant to be rushed. In Native Hawaiian tradition, the grieving process is a mutual and communal experience integral to the life cycle, expressed through public wailing, chants (oli kanikau), ritual bodily changes, and storytelling to keep the deceased’s spirit alive. The ohana provides crucial support for the first year of the mourning period and culminates in anniversary rituals to honor their sorrow.

In Chinese tradition, families observe a 49-day mourning period, with offerings and ceremonies held on the 7th, 21st, and 49th days to support the soul’s journey through the afterlife. Similarly, in European customs, wearing black clothing for extended periods once signaled grief to society, reminding others to offer patience and gentleness.

These examples describe mourning a death, but the principle applies to any significant life transition. Change and loss can feel uncomfortable and overwhelming. Sorrow can strike at inconvenient moments, such as during a business meeting, while grocery shopping, or while standing in line at an airport gate. That’s why we must learn how to grieve.

I’ve learned to grieve by giving myself the time and space to do so. There is no timeframe or deadline for grief. Everyone grieves at their own pace. For example, I still miss the nonprofit where I worked for nine years and kick-started my career in mental health. That space is dedicated to building resilience, so instead of suppressing the sorrow of leaving, I acknowledge it. Then, I slowly learn to live with these feelings.

I rely on healthy coping strategies. Sometimes grief feels painful, and I want to escape through distraction, like drinking. Instead, I redirect those impulses into gratitude for the opportunities the nonprofit provided me, such as speaking at numerous universities.

Lastly, we also need to get better at supporting others in their grief. One way is by changing our language. Here are examples of shifting dismissive remarks into compassionate responses:

🤬 “It has been six months already, why are you still talking about it!”
😊 “I know it’s been months, but grief doesn’t follow a timeline. I’m here to listen whenever you need to talk.”

🤬 “At least you can focus on your work or life now!”
😊 “I can see how much you’re hurting, and it’s okay if it’s hard to focus right now. Your healing matters more than productivity.”

🤬 “Life goes on. You have to get back to normal.”
😊 “Life has changed in ways that may never feel ‘normal’ again. Take the time you need — your pace is the right pace.”

🤬 “Talking about it won’t change anything.”
😊 “Talking about your loss may not change what happened, but it can help lighten the weight you’re carrying.”

🤬 “Why are we still talking about this?”
😊 “I hear how much this still weighs on you. Please know I’m here whenever you need to share or remember.”

🤬 “You should be over this by now!”
😊 “Grief doesn’t have an expiration date. It’s okay that you’re still feeling this deeply.”

🤬 “Stop dwelling on the past.”
😊 “Your memories are part of your healing. Tell me about them.”

🤬 “Others have it worse.”
😊 “Your pain is valid. You don’t have to compare your grief to anyone else’s.”

🤬 “It was God’s will.”
😊 “I don’t pretend to have all the answers. What I can do is sit with you and hold space for whatever you’re feeling.”

Grief is not something to “get over”; it is something we learn to live with, grow through, and honor. Whether it comes from loss or life’s transitions, grief reminds us of our humanity. By giving ourselves space to process and by offering compassion instead of dismissal to others, we can begin to shift our culture toward one that respects healing. In doing so, we not only carry our sorrow with greater resilience but also create communities where empathy and understanding become the norm.